Two posts I've read today have reminded me of the insensitive things people say and how my life has changed.
Hope's Mama wrote Don't ask me how I am and Monique wrote about her Shitty new life.
I used to be tolerant and forgiving and make excuses for people's insensitivity or ignorance but now I find I have a lot less sympathy for people's discomfort around me. My baby died, I feel like crap, I'm not going to pretend I don't.
I had a sympathy card, not an actual sympathy card but a cute notelet from a lady at work (similar age to my Mum) saying, "I'm sorry for your great disappointment ..." disappointment???????? The note went on to say that, "maybe it was for the best". No it bloody wasn't!
Oh that note made me feel SO angry. Still does if I'm honest. I know there was no malice intended, how could there be, but for goodness sake how insensitive could you be? "Disappointment"? I gave birth to my dead baby, I didn't fail my driving test.
And today I took my sick notes in to work. One of the ladies there gave me a hug and of course I started crying and, "Oh don't cry, you can have another one... at least you know you can conceive..." Yes, I know I can have another one, or at least we can try, but at the moment, if you don't mind, I'm still grieving for this one, who was real and lived and died inside me and was tiny and perfect and utterly irreplaceable.
Just because technically George's birth is considered a miscarriage doesn't mean it hurts any less than if it had happened three weeks later when it's possible that his lungs might have worked had he been born alive. He was real. He was my son. And oh hell, I want him back.
Being angry makes me type in italics.
Today I want the world to go away.
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Oh, Barbara I'm so sorry. George is real and he is loved and what happened to you and your husband is sad and I`m so sorry. I sometimes don`t know who I get more angry with - those that say stupid things in trying to comfort us or those who say nothing, as if it never happened at all.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I consider George a miscarriage. In Australia, it is a stillbirth from 20 weeks on. Was George past that? Anyway, either here nor there, he's still gone and its not right.
ReplyDeleteMy neighbour said to me about two days after "we were sorry to hear about your little bit of misfortune." Ahhhh! I was friggen 40+ weeks pregnant, this was not a little bit of misfortune, this was a god damned fucking catastrophe! He's old though, and I guess in his day babies dropped dead all over the place, maybe his wife even lost one herself, but it still hurt.
Thinking of you both.
Thanks ladies.
ReplyDeleteI was 20 weeks 5 days when I lost George. Over here after 24 weeks is a stillbirth and before is a miscarriage, or a late miscarriage. Just seems the wrong terminology somehow. It's almost cruel to call a baby that's perfectly formed a miscarriage.
I think it's better to rant in here than scream at people who say the wrong thing.
I'm calmer now, (again!) and trying to think good thoughts.
I am sorry. I am sorry you lost George. I am sorry there are inconsiderate people in this world. And I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
ReplyDeleteI learned a year ago that there are people who just don't know what to say. And then they try and it is usually something that just doesn't help.
Fortunately, there are people who understand. There are those that can try to comfort. Hopefully you will find comfort in those people.
I do hope you find comfort. Hugs are coming your way.
Hey Barbara,
ReplyDeleteI found my way here through Sally's blog.
Your George was beautiful. I'm sorry that you didn't get to keep him for the rest of your life.
I am so sorry for the little notelet that you received. I am sure her intentions were not bad, however...... what was going through her head when she wrote that! Disapointment! disapointment to me is when I drive up the road to get myself some chocolate and the corner store has closed only 5 minutes earlier!
I hope that things become more gentle for you.
Much Love
Carly x
Barbara, I'm sorry that sweet George is not in your arms where he belongs. Disappointment?! Sounds like the understatement of the century. The worst sympathy card we got said something like "as a health professional, i find these things are generally for the best.' The best?! Ezra was a perfectly healthy beautiful baby boy, absolutely would have lived if my placenta hadn't failed him. People are just plain stupid.
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