Because of the people I have met through this blog and the beautiful way those of you who have lost babies write about your sweet children I know that it will be ok for me to hold on to the memory of my George.
I know that I don't have to get over it yet, and I'll probably never truly get over it. I'm different now, but that's ok. I'm going to cry some more, lots more, and that's ok too. I'm going to have crap, miserable, awful, angry, sad days and although that's not ok, I know it's normal and I won't fight it. Well, I will probably fight it but I won't win.
I know that all the feelings that jumble and crowd around my head are normal and perfectly acceptable for a member of the dead baby club.
I will never feel that I have to pretend that George wasn't real to ease discomfort in others. He will always be included. I will speak his name.
I know that the happy moments aren't a betrayal of my grief for my son and I will allow myself to be happy as and when those moments arrive because those moments are precious.
I don't know when it will be ok but I know I don't have to rush headlong at ok and force it on myself.
I might find ok when... when we're holding our second child. Or it might take longer. I know now that it doesn't matter. It will happen when it happens.
So, from this particular point in my journey towards ok-ness, 41 days since tiny perfect lost George was born...
Thank you.
Thank you for acknowledging my son and his existence and allowing me to share my journey with you.
I wish so much that I'd never found any of you in the dead baby club, and I wish you'd never needed to find any of us but thank you for allowing me to share your grief and the lives of your babies made with love..
Today I'm functioning and vaguely optimistic.
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Barbara - thanks so much for your comment yesterday. I shed tears over it. I need reminders too.
ReplyDeleteThanks to you.
One day at a time, there's nothing else you can do, cry, laugh, scream, remeber, forget!
ReplyDeleteAs you say, it will happen when it happens.
HUGS again. You're definitely NOT alone :)
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thank you too, barbara xo
ReplyDeleteThis is a community that I could not possibly have imagined, prior to losing Ezra. We all prop each other up. Thank YOU. xoxo
ReplyDeleteBless your heart. It is sad that you are not alone in this horrible club, but it is comforting to know that there are people who understand what you have been through.
ReplyDeleteWe understand what it is like to birth our baby, only to have him taken away too soon. We understand what it is like to live each day as a different person, not sure what that day will bring.
Hugs to you. My thoughts are with you often.
And thank you. Who knew that this community, this club, this network existed. We never wanted to join it, we never wanted anyone else to join it but I am so thankful that I am here with people like you.
ReplyDeleteThat was the most beautiful post I have read in a long while.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful heart you have. YOu hold on to your memories of little George and never let them go.
Never let anyone tell you to let them go.
He is your son and he always will be.
Praying for a rainbow to be sent down to you :)
Much Love
Carly x
You're doing amazing, Barbara. And pat yourself on the back too, you help us all too. xo
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