Wonderfulness at 20w 6d

Marmaduke is perfect.

All measurements are on target.

Everything that should be present is present, in it's correct place and working properly.

He wriggled and moved and got in the way, waved and kicked, started off transverse with his head at Ray's side and finished in exactly the opposite position. He really is Magnificent.

And the fibroids. Ah the evilfibroids.

Even the fibroids were well behaved. Better than well behaved even. The one at the back of my uterus has calcified which basically means that is is dormant, hasn't changed since 12 weeks and is measuring smaller than when I was pregnant with George, it might be what's causing some discomfort when I lie on my back but nothing to worry about. And the other two, at the front (one of which was like a golf ball sticking out of my belly before) are teeny tiny insignificant and also haven't changed since 12 weeks. None of them are in the way or indenting into the uterus. Wonderfulness.

The consultant was super pleased, but then offered me an induction at 39 weeks because of my great agedness and overweightedness which adds up to a slightly higher risk of stillbirth to which I ummed and ahhed and sort of agreed to but will probably refuse if everything is ok, I can get away with it and if my nerve holds out until the end.

We tried to persuade the lovely scanogropher to let us film the ultrasound with Ray's camera but hospital policy wouldn't let us. Boo. You can see the scan picture here.

Thank you for your happy thoughts, they worked!

The sun was shining and today was a beautiful day.

20w5d

From this day on we step into the unknown, the undiscovered.

In total I have been pregnant about 50 weeks. I have never been more pregnant than I am now.

I have been up and down all day. Is he alive, still? That was a kick wasn't it? Definitely a kick. What if it was his last kick? No, there's another... Movement is the most wonderful and amazing thing and it makes me smile and hope, until I don't feel it.

I'm scared of tomorrows ultrasound.

I am hopeful that this son of mine will make it.

I worry that he won't.

He just this moment jabbed me. Maybe he knows.



Think happy thoughts for us please. I'll let you know what tomorrow brings.

20w1d

I felt Marmaduke The Magnificent move my hand this morning whilst lying in bed. Jab jab. So I put Ray's hand to where baby had been moving on and off for at least an hour and... nothing. Not even a flutter. Not fair!

I didn't feel this much movement with George. Barely anything. I can't remember where the placenta lay but I don't think it was anterior. I try to think of the differences as good signs but nevertheless I drift back to the sadness. Sigh.

My hips huuuuuurt so badly in bed at night that sleeping is becoming more and more of a rare and precious commodity. I've lost count of the number of pillows I have piled around me (Ray is still in there somewhere, thank goodness for a king-sized bed!) but I always end up on my back, which is not where I want to be. I have a yoga ball that I sit on as much as possible and I'm swimming every week but, apart from spending money we don't have on a memory foam mattress topper, I am at a loss so any advice would be very much appreciated?

I also have an appointment on the 8th March with the obstetric physiotherapist so I'm hoping for something that will help.

Next week we reach the point where we lost George. We are halfway through now but it's not time to celebrate yet although I did insist on looking around the nursery section at a big shop as "an optimism booster". My keep-calm mantra for the week is, "this pregnancy is not that pregnancy".

I felt him move my hand!

Five good things

Taking my 8 year old bridesmaid (and niece-to-be) shopping for a pretty dress (and sparkly shoes, and butterfly hair slides)

Craving scrambled eggs on toast at our favourite breakfast spot and fulfilling my desire this morning.

Snowdrops flowering in the garden. Signs of (an early) spring.

Having the gold ready and waiting to make our wedding rings. (Just have to get over the nerves!)

Flutter flutter tap tap tap.



What good things found you this week? Please join in!

18 weeks and it's...

...getting a bit (ok quite a bit) scary as we approach the point when we lost George.

Nothing is similar apart from the ligament pain but I find myself wondering several times a day if baby is still alive. And then I feel fluttering and wonder if it's gas (of which I have plenty) or movement. I decide it's movement and a major panic is averted. Rinse, repeat.

our next ultrasound is on the 29th. 20w6d. 1 day longer than George lived. According to measurements. We are 5 days ahead of our original due date. So there's no real meaning to be taken, read or inferred from anything.

Not that this pregnancy is filled with anxiety by any means. I'm trying to relax, find some calm and enjoy it and often succeeding.



So did you think I was going to tell you baby's gender when you read the title?








I am.









He's a little brother.









Currently named Marmaduke Aloysius*








*But not in a serious way!

Five good things

All good things relate to pregnancy at the moment. We've been trying very hard not to get too far ahead of ourselves and punctuate many sentences with "if". But it's so hard not to believe that this little one is going to make it. We need the optimism.

Feeling movement... probably... possibly.
103 days until we get married. Whoop. Yikes.
My Mum's excitement and optimism.
Managing to control The Fear. Mostly.
Figuring out the best configuration of my many pillows to ease the aching in my hips. For a while at least.

Please join in: what good things found you last week?