Saturday, 3 July 2010

Procedures

Wednesday

The ultrasound tech began the ultrasound, squirted gel and poked around and then decided I needed to empty my bladder so she could do an internal scan. I knew but I couldn't say anything. She prepared dildo cam and began scanning and measuring and I knew. I couldn't see a heartbeat. I knew. Ray said he knew too. And then the soft hand on my arm and the words, "Barbara I'm so sorry..."

I wailed, I think. I remember saying, "No" over and over and over again. I remember Ray grabbing me and his tears spilling into my hair. I remember we both swore a lot.

We sat in the bad news room for a while.

Both Ray and I felt oddly embarrassed walking through the waiting room and out of the maternity unit. Ray called it "the walk of shame".


I called my Mum. And her heart broke. Again.


Thursday

Numb.

Ray went for bread and milk and spent his birthday money on a new bead for my Pandora bracelet. I cried.


Friday

The surgery went well.

We checked into the Day Surgery Unit at 1pm.

There was a woman we knew vaguely in the waiting area with her son (6ish) who was being circumcised (it's not done routinely in the UK) and she asked me what I was having done. "It's rather personal" (i.e. mind your own business you nosey cow).

Ms P the consultant did the honours and decided to try a hysteroscopy as well to have a look around.

I woke up crying.

And in pain. Copious amounts of pain killers topped of with oral morphine and I was wheeled into the ward. "Would you like a cup of tea? Some toast?" No I want Ray.

Every time I moved I could feel the blood coming out. I hate that.

Ray hugged me and I whispered, "baby gone".

I tried a cup of tea and instantly I had painful trapped wind and burped in an unladylike fashion for a while.

Ms P popped in to see us. All normal. One tiny polyp, nowhere near the baby but removed along with one tiny little scrap of hope. No blame to throw at fibroids. Lots of "bloody water" (saline) sloshed around my insides. No obvious reasons. Just one of those things. She's going to refer me for a second opinion on the fibroids.

Lovely kind nurses.

I got up, went to the toilet, got dressed and we left at 6pm.


Saturday

I woke up stiff and sore and achy and crying. At about 3am.

Ray brought me flowers from the garden.

I cried.

30 comments:

  1. Oh Barb I am so truly sorry. The waking up and knowing baby is gone is so very damn hard.... I did it twice. Everything you described was exactly the same. My heart goes out to Ray too. I wish I could give you a big hug xx if you would like to talk sometime,please,please send me you number via email and we can have a chat,it would be lovely since we are both in the UK. Sending you lots of love. Thinking of you always xxx

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  2. Oh, this is so heartbreaking. I'm sorry. I know that is all I keep saying, but what else is there to say?

    I hope the pain eases soon, the physical pain that is. I know the emotional pain will linger on...your poor broken heart.

    Sending love

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  3. Oh how I wish the tears and love of us all could heal your broken heart, and Ray's and your Mum's.
    I'm truly sorry that wish is so useless my precious friend. But we will not stop loving your family and wishing. I love you.

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  4. I am so sorry to read this from LFCA. I hate the fact that I keep breaking my mom's heart as well. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. There are no other words. I wish no one had to endure the pain that we suffer. I'm so sorry.

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  5. i wish i could make it better for you.
    i wish i knew what to say.

    i'm so sorry, barb. so, so sorry.
    xxx

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  6. Oh love, let the tears come as they will. Know that the pain will never pass, but the weight of it will ease. You are in my heart and my prayers.

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  7. Tears with you, for you, for us, Barb. I only have swear words. I know these days will be empty for you. Nothing I can do or say will change it. I only wish. I wish there were no empty days.

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  8. There is nothing to say to make any of this less painful. The only thing that I get any comfort from these days is when people around me simply remember my son. Remember that he was alive, no matter how briefly and that his life did mean something.

    So all I can offer you is the truth that I will remember your Little Poppet and your George right along with my George. I will remember that their lives were important too and certainly not any less so than those babies who are born into this world alive and healthy.

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  9. Barbara - this is heart breaking and I can only imagine how much it must be for you and your family. I wish words could help you heal your pain. Please know I'm thinking of you and wishing for some peace no matter how small in the coming days and weeks. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need too.

    Maddie x

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  10. I know, sweetie. I woke up crying, too. And all the rest of it. I wish there were a way to take all the pain away. I am glad Ray is there to hold you in the middle of the night. If you wake up and can't sleep, I am probably awake,too, thinking of you.

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  11. i'm so sorry that this is your journey, barb. you are in my heart. xo

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  12. My heart breaks for you both. I am so sorry that this has happened. Your in my prayers.

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  13. I wish this did not have to be like this.

    Am very sorry. Praying for tons of strength for you guys.

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  14. I am so sorry for this path you are walking. Keeping your family close to my heart.
    xoxo

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  15. And I'm crying with you. At the horrible unfairness of it all.
    Dear friend, I'm so sorry.
    Bucket loads of love coming your way.
    xo

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  16. Seriously, I bawled when I read what Ray did on thursday. Glad you have such an awesome man beside you... in all that ugly mess. My heart goes out to both of you and I send a big ol hug! xx

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  17. Just thinking of you and Ray and your little poppet ~

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  18. We just love you Barb. Wish I could give you a hug in person :(


    xxxxx

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  19. I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you both.
    x

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  20. The other day I read your post about your pregnancy and I was so happy for you. I was going to email you in a week or two. Now I read this. Barb I am so so so sorry. ((((Hugssss))) I know what it feels like. I know how hopeless life looks and how glum each day is. Missing your beautiful babies with you today..XO XO

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  21. Thinking of you and Ray and your babies and sending love. xo

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  22. I am so very sorry. This post made me cry. I am so sorry for you, Ray, and your children. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  23. Oh Barb, I'm so very, very sorry. Miscarriage is so devastating. Please ask your doctor to check you for autoimmune issues, I was never able to stay pregnant until my diagnosis and treatment. Sending you all my love and wrapping you in my arms for hugs of understanding and tears.

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  24. Still no words...just my thoughts and prayers and wishes for your strength and your poor wounded heart to feel some smidgen of comfort and peace...can't get you off my mind.
    xoxoxo

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  25. I have been thinking of you and there are no words. My heart hurts for you...I am so very sorry. I so wish I could just hug you and cry with you.

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  26. I am so sorry for all you are having to endure right now. It just breaks my heart.

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  27. oh barb. ((hugs)) i am crying for you... with you. i am so, so sorry, and wish there was more that i can do for you. you're in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo.

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  28. More love and hugs and tears for you and your little poppet. xxx

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  29. Barbara, my heart just caught in my throat reading this. I don't even know what else to say except that it is more pain than anyone should ever have to endure. Please know that you & Ray, George & Poppet will remain in my thoughts & close to my heart. I am so so sorry.

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