Wednesday, 17 June 2009

The scoreboard...

...as you know, currently stands at 2 - 0 (bollocks*)

Not bad I suppose in the trying to conceive stakes since we've only been trying again seriously* for two cycles and I know, I know some of you out there have/had been trying for what feels like forever. However, in my world at the moment, I'm so so SO aware of my biological alarm clock that it feels as if it's shaking itself off the shelf it's ringing so loud. And each unpregnant cycle seems like another step towards menopause or on particularly hormonal days another giant leap towards menopause. I'm going to be 42 in July. Forty-bloody-two! How on earth did that happen? I was 32 just a few minutes ago wasn't I?

I'm working on relaxing (hahaha) and trying to think of things other than babybabybabybaby (hahahahaha). (Or as Sally more accurately put it GeorgebabyGeorgebabyGeorgebaby) I'm doing those visualisation exercises when I can, picturing my womb as welcoming and comfortable and safe safe safe, not wasting any energy thinking about those evilfibroids (oops) and going on an imaginary walk around our house with a new baby, letting him or her know that she or he is welcome, that there is space for him or her in our lives. A good space. Cluttered maybe, but a space nonetheless and one that can easily be cleared. I showed this imaginary our baby where we would put his or her cot in our room, how we would move chests of drawers and wardrobes around in her or his bedroom and where we would keep her or his things.

The other week I received a catalogue from the NCT. I didn't open it and Ray thoughtfully* put it in the bin. A few days later I emptied the bins, fished the catalogue out and hid it under our bed. I've been looking at it occasionally torturing myself with the things I don't need yet allowing myself to dream. I've thrown it out now. Enough. Stop. Wait.

I have some small canvasses and I'm planning on painting them with brightly coloured bugs and trees and flowers and putting them in the drawer.

Hopes and dreams. I'm hanging on to them although my nails are somewhat shredded and bloody.




*sorry my language is becoming bloody awful

*entirely peeing-on-sticks, bicycling-legs-in-the-air-while-Ray-showers-first bloody desperately seriously. That's how seriously.

*not sarcastic

11 comments:

  1. Ugh..I hate that tick-tock!

    Isn't it incredible..I too can't believe I am 31 already....

    What was I thinking? Oh yeah, the first by 30, and the second by 32....Bullshit!

    Let's sing hoarse!

    P.S. I went to Life after Leila, but can't manage to type anything to her....this is sad.

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  2. Hmm, maybe it's time for Guaifesin cough syrup, preseed, and spirulina protein shakes??
    Sending conception vibes your way --- xx

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  3. fingers crossed that you will soon need to be ordering stuff from that catalog... I know it's hard. The months of waiting and hoping. Sending you warm thoughts.

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  4. Barbara, I'm sending loads of babydust your way...I can't believe I'm as old as I am either. Really, when DID that happen??? You'll get your BFP soon enough, I just know it. Hugging you...

    PS-I stopped by Leila's Mommy's blog too. It is very sad, I wish none of us had to belong to this stupid club. At least as far as support goes, you can't beat another babylost mama.

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  5. Is it bad that I liked this post? Because I can relate to it, I suppose. . . thanks for sharing, regardless, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

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  6. Drats.

    and, um, is bollocks a swear word?

    good luck with the relaxing ;)

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  7. Big hugs Barbara. I'm always here cheering you on.

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  8. I know- I'm a little shocked by my impending birthday myself. That, and how much easier it seemed last year to keep those legs bicycling in the air. I suspect the two are related.

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  9. I finally did make my way to Leila's Mommy again...I am being such a jerk.

    I think I handle BFPs better than anything else!

    Me being a pathetic jerk...

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  10. We haven't been trying long either in the scheme of things but time just seems to pass so differently in this waiting period. Even though compared to others it isn't long it still feels that way when you want a baby so badly. (((Hugs)))

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  11. Hoping along with you, Barbara. Much love.

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