Under the tree (June)

If you don't yet know about Under The Tree you can click here to find out about Carly's lovely idea.

I love these questions, it's good to laugh, have some fun and/or fool around. It doesn't mean we miss our babies less or hurt less. Tomorrow might be a crying day so grab the happy when it lands on you and embrace it!



Hair Color: Brown from a bottle! I've been going grey since I was about 18.

Eye color: Bluey/grey

Profession: I still don't know what I want to do with my life...

Relationship status: Two years together in July, is that all? It feels like forever (in a good way!) We are getting married eventually.


My Favorites: So many!


Favorite color: Aqua/turquoise.

Favorite movie: I don't really have one... North by Northwest perhaps, or Charade.

Favorite animal(s): Our not so itteh bitteh kittehs.

Favorite store: ebay addict!

Favorite childhood memory: Watching fascinated as my nan buttered a slice of bread, spread honey-from-the-comb and then sliced it from the loaf

Favorite hobby: Painting, photography, making jewellery, geeky computer stuff and general fiddling around with crafty stuff.

Favorite song/singer: I don't really have favourites, songs grab me and then let me go.

Favorite book/author: I don't have one favourite, I like all sorts from classic Shakespeare type stuff to pulpy crime type stuff but I'm not too keen on chicklit or horror.

Favorite school subject: Art, English literature

Favorite vacation destination: There are SO many places I want to see with Ray (and a new baby).

Favorite food: Fresh tomato and mozzarella with basil and olive oil. OR daaaaark chocolate! 70% proof or up.

Favorite restaurant: Our Indian restaurant The Spice Club I used to live just accross the road from it but then we got together and moved away (boo) and now they deliver (hooray!) when we can't be bothered to walk there. Also, any outdoor mediterranean restaurant with a view of the sea on a warm evening after a days sightseeing.


This or That: The other.


Coke or pepsi : Neither, yick. Water please.

Beer or wine: No alcohol

Coffee or tea: Tea or a take-out-a-mortgage decaf vanilla latte for a treat

Apple Juice or O.J.: Pear Williams juice, haven't had it since I lived in Switzerland, yum

Summer or Winter: Spring or Autumn

Cats or dogs: Both

Salty or sweet: Salty with the occasional uncontrollable urge for chocolate

Plane or boat: Balloon

Morning or night: Daylight

Money or love: Duh, all you need is love!

Breakfast or dinner: Brunch

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness or is that forgiveness of myself after exacting revenge?

House or apartment: A house overlooking the sea

Like to cook: Sometimes


Have You Ever: Of course not, the very idea!


Got a speeding ticket: I don't drive and I can't walk that fast so, no.

Wished you were someone else: Not today.

Cried during a movie: Probably.

Describe yourself in one word: Eclectic.

Biggest fear: Living the rest of my life childless.

Biggest mistake: Oh lordy, I'm not even going to go there. I'm almost 42 you know, I've been there, done that, ruined the Tshirt, it could take a while...

Your proudest accomplishment: Loving and inspiring love.

Dream job: Making jewellery from home while baby sleeps.

Special talents: Ummm... the cheering up of Poppets.

Where would you rather be at the moment: Nursing George.

Famous person you want to meet: No one famous, except maybe our Carly!

Song to be played at your funeral: Stardust although I don't think I want a funeral.


Any one have any other questions they are dying to ask? Ask away!

An adventure.

Today is my poppet's 38th birthday. He lost his father at 38 and has been quite ambivalent about this day. After this year he will have lived longer than his father. In his dark dark days he planned to end his life at 38: he no longer has this plan. I think his father would be proud of him.

I know I am.

Yesterday we went to Tintagel castle
You can see a larger image by clicking on any photo.

Legendary castle of King Arthur and a place that has evidence of Roman occupation.

Oh but it was so very beautiful, warm and sunny.

I wanted to dive into that water.

The sense of space was calming.

We were joined by friends

I felt a sense of peace.

And yes, I really did walk all the way up here from that villiage to that tiny building in the centre of the photo... I so feel it in my legs today and the plantar fasciitis is baaaad, but it was so worth it!

Dear potential-child-of-ours,

Hello.

We are ready for you even if sometimes it might seem as if we are not.

I have a name for you

We even have kittehs for you to torture.

Please come home soon.

Trouble

You just stick your claws in here and hang on and you get this really cool ripping noise...

Oops, mum's looking, pretend you're watching that leaf outside...

We are having a cuddle. Mmmkay?

Ggrrrrhmphgrrgh. *bite*

Whaaaaaat?!

Ray sang a lullaby to the cattons yesterday,

"Go to sleep
Shut your eyes,
Do not be a nuisance.."

I think this bodes well.

That time of the month...

...is here again.

When I ask for a moment of your time to zap us with some good baby-making-conception vibes. Please?

In return for a virtual share in any resulting live baby.

Nuf said.

Father's day

I sobbed and wailed and hung on to Ray as we stood near the spot where our son's body lies.

I sobbed because we weren't on a father's day outing, because Ray has no son to hold, because Ray will be 38 next sunday and his father died at 38 and he has no father to wish a happy day to, because I haven't sobbed for quite a while, because it's all so bloody, monstrously unfair, because I want us to be parents, because I miss George.



The trees absorbed my noisy sobs. The ferns didn't care that I wiped my nose on my sleeve. Ray held me tight and told me he thought about George every day, I held Ray tight and told him I loved him, that I think his father would be proud of him, that we should get out of that place and go somewhere, anywhere...






I wish I'd taken tissues today.

Solstice

Wishing light and love for all the Daddies who can't celebrate with their children today.

Tatters

The guilty parties.

Who have had to be rescued from almost hanging themselves several times.
Who are not allowed in the living room when we are out because the thought of coming home to a hanged cat is more than I could bear.

The scoreboard...

...as you know, currently stands at 2 - 0 (bollocks*)

Not bad I suppose in the trying to conceive stakes since we've only been trying again seriously* for two cycles and I know, I know some of you out there have/had been trying for what feels like forever. However, in my world at the moment, I'm so so SO aware of my biological alarm clock that it feels as if it's shaking itself off the shelf it's ringing so loud. And each unpregnant cycle seems like another step towards menopause or on particularly hormonal days another giant leap towards menopause. I'm going to be 42 in July. Forty-bloody-two! How on earth did that happen? I was 32 just a few minutes ago wasn't I?

I'm working on relaxing (hahaha) and trying to think of things other than babybabybabybaby (hahahahaha). (Or as Sally more accurately put it GeorgebabyGeorgebabyGeorgebaby) I'm doing those visualisation exercises when I can, picturing my womb as welcoming and comfortable and safe safe safe, not wasting any energy thinking about those evilfibroids (oops) and going on an imaginary walk around our house with a new baby, letting him or her know that she or he is welcome, that there is space for him or her in our lives. A good space. Cluttered maybe, but a space nonetheless and one that can easily be cleared. I showed this imaginary our baby where we would put his or her cot in our room, how we would move chests of drawers and wardrobes around in her or his bedroom and where we would keep her or his things.

The other week I received a catalogue from the NCT. I didn't open it and Ray thoughtfully* put it in the bin. A few days later I emptied the bins, fished the catalogue out and hid it under our bed. I've been looking at it occasionally torturing myself with the things I don't need yet allowing myself to dream. I've thrown it out now. Enough. Stop. Wait.

I have some small canvasses and I'm planning on painting them with brightly coloured bugs and trees and flowers and putting them in the drawer.

Hopes and dreams. I'm hanging on to them although my nails are somewhat shredded and bloody.




*sorry my language is becoming bloody awful

*entirely peeing-on-sticks, bicycling-legs-in-the-air-while-Ray-showers-first bloody desperately seriously. That's how seriously.

*not sarcastic

Leila's Mommy

Dear ladies,

Please please go and "welcome" Leila's Mommy into our terrible club.

She lost her daughter Leila on 16th May and she is hurting badly.

Alchemy

This time last year chemicals were buzzing, hormones were being released, genetic information was merging, cells were dividing and George was being created bit by bit. The colour of his hair was fixed, the shape of his nose, his height, the size of his feet and the love that was waiting were all fixed.

Made with love.

And missed.

Hormones 2 Barbara 0

Bollocks.

Day 1

Grieflets

Get you at the most inopportune of moments.

It's my Mum's birthday today and her friends are visiting from back home. The last time they were here was 6th September 2008 to help celebrate my parents 50th anniversary. I was about 14 weeks pregnant then and today I saw the first photo of pregnant-me where I was obviously pregnant. I don't do photos at the best of times so there aren't any of me with my George bump.

Now there is one.

Toilet humour

I needed to do a pregnancy test and instead of peeing on the stick whilst sitting on the loo* I peed whilst lying next to Ray in the bed. "It'll be ok" I mumbled as I peed and peed and peed and woke with a start.

No... did I?

Phew, didn't pee in the bed. I've only done this once in my adult life and goodness, even though there was no one else there, it was embarrassing.

2.30am Thinking about peeing on sticks. 12dpo now, raging cramps yesterday, slight nausea, emotional mess, all the symptoms of my period starting in the next couple of days. Well, apart from emotional messness, that's pretty much constant.

2.50am Hmmm no cramps at all at the moment though.

3.15am I have one digital test. We did one when I was pregnant with George and it seemed silly to do another when it was shouting "Pregnant" at us (that and the four other non digital tests I did before I even mentioned that I thought I might be pregnant).

3.45 There is a digital test in the bathroom at the bottom of my ovulation stick/tampon/pad basket

4.05am Oh what the hell.

4.10am "not pregnant"

4.10.01am Bugger

4.15 Back to bed, sleep.

8.50 Wide awake, feed madly purring cattons*, make tea, back to bed, tell Ray about dream, fail to mention that I did a pregnancy test based on a bed-wetting dream whilst in the midst of pms induced insomnia.






*etymology
*catton - not yet a cat but no longer a kitten.

Request

Please go and offer your support to Helen @ The Beading Lady
She lost her baby son Logan at 16 weeks at the end of May and I think she needs a welcome to the worst club in the world with the best members in the world.

Thinking of Helen and Logan today.

8 @ 8 on 8

The lovely WiseGuy over at Woman anyone? tagged me. And since I promised to do this list thingy, I have.

To do list (i.e. “the rules”) ha ha I laugh in the face of rules ha ha

1. Mention the person who tagged me. (of course!)
   
2. Complete the list of 8’s. (well, sort of)
   
3. Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them. (yeah yeah)
   

Eight Three things I am looking forward to:

1. spending the rest of my life with Ray
2. getting pregnant again an uneventful, healthy, complete pregnancy taking a living baby home
   
3. a planned trip to Cornwall (sooooooon I hope)

Eight things I did yesterday:

1. thought about George
2. ate breakfast in the garden in the warm sun
3. went for a beautiful walk through an ancient forest by a river.
   
4. sat for an hour in the sun by the river and...
   
5. ..."stole" a small square of turf covered with daisies and planted it in our garden with two other stolen turf squares. Weeds have feelings too!
   
6. nursed my stupid foot (plantar fasciitis still not healed)
   
7. didn't check for potential pregnancy symptoms (lie)
   
8. thought about George
   

Eight Five things I wish I could do:

1. cuddle George
   
2. decide to become pregnant and have it happen. *snap* then fast forward in time to taking baby home
   
3. make all our/your wishes come true
4. find a pot of gold
   
5. meet all my babylost family in a warm friendly place

Eight television shows I watch:

This is tough as we don't have tv as such but download the occasional programme from t'internet (shhhh)

1. Documentaries (the natural world and/or world history and/or science stuff)
2. House
3. Bones
4. Gardeners world
5. CSI somewhere or other, occasionally.
   
6. errr...
7. ummm...
8. ahhh...
   

Eight Ten favourite fruits:

1. watermelon
2. strawberry (but nothing strawberry "flavoured" for some reason)
3. cherry
   
4. coconut (fresh fresh fresh)
5. peach
6. tomato (ha, I know stuff!)
7. pear
8. kiwi
9. apple
10. blueberry
    

Eight Ten places I would like to travel to:

1. Egypt
2. Malta (probably our next overseas holiday)
   
3. Machupichu
4. Minack theatre
   
5. More of India with Ray and...
   
6. Back to Geneva to show Ray and...
   
7. The Maldives for a nothing-much-to-do-but-*&%$ honeymoon
8. Grand Canyon because Ray wants to
9. Petra in Jordan
10. so many many many other places

Eight places I have lived:

1. Wolverhampton
2. London
   
3. Naples
4. Just over the French border from Geneva in a tiny village that I've forgotten the name of
   
5. Geneva
6. Bogmalo (Goa, India)
   
7. Juan les Pins (south of France)
8. Torquay
   

People I have tagged:

ALL of you.

1. Those of you who make lists obsessively and have probably already done this (do it again, I dare you!).
   
2. Those of you who quite like making lists and will probably have a go.
   
3. Those of you who want to start making lists and need just this excuse.
   
4. Those of you who are perhaps mildly interested in making lists but lack the motivation to start.
5. Those of you who think, meh, lists schmists, and can be bothered with lists.
6. You
7. You
8. And you
   

Reality...

...bytes!

1. obsessively checking for symptoms at 6dpo (idiot = stop it and w a i t)
2. hiding away some baby books outgrown by a friends grandson and donated to mother-in-law's charity shop. (optimistic = ok)
3. watching a really sweet cot on ebay. (over-optimistic = steady on)
4. cycling between hopeful thoughts and resignation to months of trying (bleh = bleh bleh)
5. not dealing with stress of any kind very well at all (phone call with benefits agency, lost [by them] payslips/dr certificate, delay in payments = Aaaaaargh!)
6. baby-making-love-making-sex (better and better = hooray!)
7. over-analysing everything and making lists (*sigh*)