Lying in bed, using the duvet cover as a handkerchief, in between sobs this is what came out;
I miss George. I miss the George that might have been. I miss the George that lives in my head. The George who had to be invented in place of the real one who we didn't know as anyone other than the tiny form who sucked his thumb or cleverly hid his face from the sonographers tools. Our funny baby doing somersaults on screen to entertain us.
I told Ray how wonderful and terrible it is to look at George's photo and see his daddy in that little face. I haven't said this to him before. Ray said that perhaps I shouldn't look at his photo so much. But I can't NOT look. If I don't look I feel as I might forget. George feels so very far away. He says it's hard for him to not look but he doesn't because it hurts too much. He still feels anger. He wants another chance. It's not fair, there is no fair, we deserve some fair.
We talked about other far-too-private-for-a-blog stuff, drank tea and held each other for ages while being stomped on by two frantically brutish kittehs and finally got up at *gulp* 11am!
Bloody pms hormones make everything just that bit more sharp/heavy/painful/irritating/difficult/oh what e v e r.
Then I opened my email and read something quite delightful which cheered me up no end. Thank you silly girl!
A little later we went out and as we passed Ray dragged me to the jewellers to buy us two clip charms for my Pandora bracelet. Damn damn damn but I love that man!
I'm ok now.
Really.
Honestly.
Probably.
I think.
OH - What a nice ending to a horride grief moment. Ray is just too amazing for words.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are very lucky girl to have that Ray... I'm glad you have each other.
ReplyDeleteStay strong... love to you
What a wonderful man you have there!
ReplyDeleteI am sure you must tire of my unoriginal, far from profound comment....I'm so sorry. Deeply, truly, sincerely sorry. I have this urge inside, I just want so desperately to relieve at least a portion of you hurt. If I could, I would.
I can make you one promise Barbara. You will never forget! NEVER. I think we all hang on to certain things, whether it be a picture or anger. We cling to it because we are horrified at the thought of forgetting, terrified the far away feeling will take over. It won't, I promise you. If God forbid, you didn't have the precious picture, you would still NEVER forget.
And you are correct. You deserve a whole helluva lot of fair!
xoxoxox
Oh, Barbara and Ray, I am sending you a big dose of Fair.
ReplyDeleteHormones suck. But I am glad you have Ray. I wish you had your George too. And purely on a superficial note, which clip charms did you get? I LOVE Pandora!
ReplyDeleteBig, big hugs to you xo
ReplyDeleteI get it. And, if B were to read this, he'd get what you said about Ray, too. ((Hugs)) sweetie.
ReplyDeleteYup. I know. What you said about having to live with the George in your head rather than the George you should have in your arms- that's the sort of thing that haunts me every day.
ReplyDeleteI miss George with you and for you and I wish I could go hunting far and wide for a big huge cache of fair that I could send right off in the next mail. It just stinks some days, honey. And I wish it didn't.
Love that poppet of yours, though. He's a keeper.
Oh, a sneak attack by the morning news. You never know when they hit and it always ends in sobs. Your right, it just isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteNo real words but wanted to send some (((((hugs)))))
ReplyDeleteRay sounds wonderful :)
I'm so sorry you had such a rough start to the day. Sounds like you have a very wonderful husband to lean on. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteI still get emotional when I hear people announce pregnancies. I dont know if that ever really goes away, once you know the "dark side" of things.
ReplyDeleteI think it's lovely that you look at George's picture all the time. Without our pictures, I dont know what we'd do.
Sending you big hugs...
((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh Barbara ...wishing I could order up a huge dollop of fair for you.
ReplyDeleteSending you some serious hugs. Its never fair to lose a child, especially as one as precious as George. I too see elements of both myself and Michael in Janaki, and it drives me insane with rage, fear and uncertainty about the future.
ReplyDeleteThe world is an unjust place and what we've been given, we have to deal with. Some days, its just too much.
I hope you're doing ok, really, and not just saying it. Because its ok to feel shithouse. That's the nature of our grief. It fucking sucks!
Sending you and Ray some huge hugs...
xx