Serendipitous moments

Driving home yesterday evening from Dartmoor...

...we took a different route through a little valley and were rewarded with a breathtaking view of a hillside covered in bluebells. Bluebells usually grow in woods and forests, not on the sides of hills near moorlands. It took my breath away. It was glorious.

Click on photos for larger view (esp. 2nd pic).

Everywhere we've been recently we've seen fields of daisys and buttercups and all manner of wildflowers. It seems to have been the perfect spring in Britain for the wildlife if not for me and my George.

Grieflets

n. small moments monsters of intense grief that whack you around the back of the heart from time to time. Usually at the most inappropriate moment.

Little bastards.

The time has come...

... (yet again) for begging asking you to send those conception vibes our way without letting it even flicker across your mind what we are doing to need them. Yes, you in the back... stop it!

My pee-in-a-cup-dip-a-stick O-test tells me I'll be ovulating soon.

Weh hey!

Ahhem.

Letting go

I put the shop keys into an envelope walked out of the house in my slippers and dropped them into the letterbox just down the street.

It's taken me since April 20th when I received the postage paid envelope to do this.

On 17th April I read the letter which said I they could no longer hold my job for me because of the amount of sickness time I've taken but when I was ready to work I was welcome to apply for any available positions.

I want to write a letter telling this charitable organisation how poorly my colleagues treated me when I went back to work. I haven't done it yet. I keep drafting snippets of remembered fury and pain in my head but I haven't managed to get them into my macbook yet. Maybe it doesn't matter any more.

I don't care about the job. I've finished with that place and I couldn't go back there for all the pay rises in the world. Financially it's messy but we'd rather I was sane than bringing in a pay check.

I used to love my job. The first year there it was great. Something I'd never even thought of doing before and so much fun. I laughed so much. I met the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I learned to manage people and run a business. I learned about customer service. I learned to wash my hands regularly after sorting through donations. I made friends. Or I thought I did. I have come away with one wonderful poppet and one good friend and learned that people can be absolutely utterly crap when it comes to death and grief.

I met with the new area manager before I went back and I tried to explain how things were for me, how I was feeling, how I thought I might cope and was asked how they could help me. And they took it all the wrong way. When I tried to go back I was made to feel guilty for still grieving. I was told that I had to think about my colleagues, about the business...

"You're not the only woman in the world to have gone through this".

Those words still grate. That woman will never realise just how much I know that I'm not the only one. But I was the only one at that time, in that place, in that much pain who had recently buried their dead baby in the earth. In the few days that I tried to go back I threw myself into work, I tried to chat to the people who said they didn't want to talk about my tragedy.

"I don't want to talk about babies all day"

(Yup, same woman) I listened to them moan about the mundane things that people complain about and I was screaming on the inside, "It doesn't matter!"

And it doesn't.

When I got the letter I wasn't sad, I didn't cry. I already knew I wasn't going back.

One volunteer who hadn't been around and hadn't been told asked, "Where's your baby?" "He died and we lost him". I had to leave the shop at that point to cry. I was standing sobbing and my boss told me to, "Go and have a cup of tea". Nothing more. Two days later I was crying again after telling the area manager that I couldn't stay and my boss rushed to hug me. In front of the area manager. Obviously I still have issues with the boss I once thought was a friend but in the end it doesn't matter. She is not worth my anger, my time or my energy. I'm learning to let it go.

I saw the area manager once more before the letter terminating my contract. I told her I had never felt so unwelcome anywhere in my life. In another letter I was promised that she would ensure that I was welcomed back when I decided to return to work. What nonsense.

I will write that letter if only in the hope that the next woman to go through the loss of her baby while working for that company will be treated a little more gently. It's not about sick leave and phased returns, it's about people.

And that's what matters.

An adventure

One of our hobbies is searching for the perfect sunset spot.

Yesterday evening we decided to get high.

The air was clear.


It was stunning.

I started a fertility chant upon spotting an amusing penis-shaped rock.
What do you mean it doesn't look like a penis?
Oh dear, am I becoming obsessed?


The sky was awesome.


We rested for a while, drank tea and photographed shadows.


And then Ray got a little higher.

And the sun got a little lower.

And a little lower.

The colours were intense.

It was beautiful.

Not wanting to fall down the tor in the dark we got back to the car just before the light went, sat and drank tea from our sippy cups to warm us up. My hands ached from the cold. I wondered if we had got to keep George whether we would still be having adventures... well wrapped up adventures of course, and I think, hope we would.

I like to think we will have adventures like this when we have our second chance.

And finally.

Boob cat in his favourite balcony sleeping spot.

Changes

I feel as if I need to make some changes. To everything, to anything, to myself and to our home. I started with my blog, a simple thing but it felt good to sit down and work things out, to fiddle with and write some code and concentrate. My concentration lately has been, quite frankly, crap. I don't have the tidiest of minds in the first place but now it's getting ridiculous!

I sometimes feel as if I'm sinking into myself. I've been here before and as comfortable as apathy can be I don't want to rest here too long. Dammit I need to pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs and I just can't be bothered. So tomorrow I WILL do it.

I don't really like going out alone these days. I do go out, but I much prefer it when we go out as a team. Then I can hide behind Ray and let him do the talking for us. So tomorrow I'm meeting a friend for coffee (decaf) and I WILL chat about positive things.

I need to get back to me. To the me that doesn't care what anyone thinks. To the me that has enthusiasm for lots of things. To the me that can get things done.

I feel at times like a hormonal teenager having a tantrum on acid. So I'm trying the relaxation-prepare-your-womb-for-conception-your-ovaries-are-beautiful cd and the visualisation of better things and I WILL get to where I need to be.

I just wish I could WILL George back into our lives. Into his life.

The "vibe" thing

I haven't had an awful lot to say these last few days.

I'd like to moan non-stop about my hormones but after a while it gets a bit boring.

I'm beginning another cycle with hope, in a week or so I'll be begging asking you to send those conception vibes my way again. Maybe I should explain the "vibe" thing.

I believe in the power of positive (and indeed negative) thought. I believe I can affect myself by thinking differently. I know this works for simple things because I can consciously send a headache away without drugs (I've managed it with period cramps before, however these days I require narcotics!). I also believe that if we sincerely direct positive/healing/peaceful thoughts someone's way it can affect them and when I leave you a comment wishing you peace, it's nothing fatuous, I'm consciously sending peaceful thoughts your way in the hope that it will help. So I figure if enough people send a bit more hope my way it might just work. It can't hurt can it?

So, dear reader, I crave your indulgence in this matter, i.e. I will probably continue to beg ask you to send conception vibes my way until we get a positive result and I hope you will. I will however ask you not to think of the actual act involved in the act of conception 'cos that would be entirely too weird. Or does mentioning the thing that I don't want you to think about make you think about it even more... *place hands over ears, screw eyes tightly shut* "Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala".

Weird feelings of relief

My period started today. Day 25. Almost normal cycle length. It's usually 27 days or thereabouts but anything not 44 days I'm counting as normal. Normal normal normal. Whoop.

Oh hang on weren't we trying to conceive?

Disappointment rapidly follows relief. I didn't really expect it this month, I don't know why, but I didn't. I hoped and dreamed a bit but not too much at all; just the blink of a hopeful what if.

"You're not quite yourself today are you?"
"Aren't I? I thought I was doing quite well, I've got those hormones under control eh?"
"Yeeees... "
"Oh, I thought you hadn't noticed?"
"Yeeeeees..."

Bloody hormones.

Day 1.

Stuck

I've been staring at this screen for 10 minutes and I can't think of anything even remotely meaningful to write this evening so I'll just remove my kitten blankie and trundle off to bed.

PMS saps brain function as well as fine motor control: I've broken my favourite china cat print teacup and a dish today.

Bloody hormones.

Photo opportunities

"Cor, have you seen the bargains here? Let's get the two legged cats to take us shopping..."
"Pfffftttt... will you just move that so I can bite your tail..."

"Pssst... do you think we can get her to stop moaning about her hormones?"
"Duno, but isn't that a bit of toast under your paw? Can I have it?"

"Oh our life is so hard, we toil at entertaining those two legged cats and they won't even leave us alone when we sleep... oh woe is me... hey, are you listening?"
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

And because the lovely Seraphim asked... here is my up to date Pandora bracelet. I see those advertised that are themed or colour coordinated but each of my charms except the baby shoe and the safety chain was chosen by Ray because he liked them, or they said something to him about me, and so I think my bracelet is the most wonderful one you will ever see (of course you won't think that if you have one of your own but meh, like I care...) I chose the baby shoe just because; it has a little blue stone in it for a boy. I'd like to have another one day, blue or pink, I don't mind. You can see how the bracelet looked last year in November here. We've come a long way since then, me and my bracelet. I wear it all the time; I sleep in it, bathe in it and... er... do other stuff in it. There's a new curly clip next to the red bead and a new starburst clip next to the silver heart. They stop the beads moving about so much. Ray tried to get me to choose them but I made him do it. It makes it more precious.

And finally.

Oooh I couldn't resist this. Don't tell him will you! He put his sun hat on today because the backlight from the window was making his game too hard to see and he needed to shade his eyes.
That'sa ma Poppet!

If...

...my hormones don't just sort themselves out soon I'm seriously thinking of ditching them and getting some new ones. Hormones R Us?

I feel like an emotional 15 year old. Sadly, my body doesn't act like a 15 year old body. It creaks and cracks and aches rather too much these days.

Hormones 1 Barbara 0

So, the hormones won this morning when, upon hearing the local radio newsreader announce her pregnancy to the local world I burst into tears.

Lying in bed, using the duvet cover as a handkerchief, in between sobs this is what came out;

I miss George. I miss the George that might have been. I miss the George that lives in my head. The George who had to be invented in place of the real one who we didn't know as anyone other than the tiny form who sucked his thumb or cleverly hid his face from the sonographers tools. Our funny baby doing somersaults on screen to entertain us.

I told Ray how wonderful and terrible it is to look at George's photo and see his daddy in that little face. I haven't said this to him before. Ray said that perhaps I shouldn't look at his photo so much. But I can't NOT look. If I don't look I feel as I might forget. George feels so very far away. He says it's hard for him to not look but he doesn't because it hurts too much. He still feels anger. He wants another chance. It's not fair, there is no fair, we deserve some fair.

We talked about other far-too-private-for-a-blog stuff, drank tea and held each other for ages while being stomped on by two frantically brutish kittehs and finally got up at *gulp* 11am!

Bloody pms hormones make everything just that bit more sharp/heavy/painful/irritating/difficult/oh what e v e r.

Then I opened my email and read something quite delightful which cheered me up no end. Thank you silly girl!

A little later we went out and as we passed Ray dragged me to the jewellers to buy us two clip charms for my Pandora bracelet. Damn damn damn but I love that man!

I'm ok now.

Really.

Honestly.

Probably.

I think.

Sometimes...

...hormones should just stop it and grow up.

Mothers day

Mothers day in the UK was 22 March but for my wonderful, amazing, strong, weak, numb, sad, angry, accepting, scared, fabulous family out there in deadbabyland "celebrating" Mothers day today I want to say that you, we are ALL mothers whether we have living children or not, whether the people around us acknowledge us or not. And whichever of those words you might use to describe yourself today, it's ok. Just feel.

Thank you for your help over the past 202 days since we lost George. The gift of support you have given has been incredible.

I wish you all some peace and quietness of mind today and I miss your babies alongside my own who should be lying in my arms in the place of two very sweet kittens.

Kittens noses

Are terribly adorable

Even when they have ground in food in the corners.

And especially when resting in between epic battles against the hordes of scrunched up paper balls that have invaded our living room.

Evening

We went for a drive to nowhere in particular this evening.

The full moon was huge and the sky was sublime.

I felt the sense of calm and optimism that has been missing for such a long while sneak a quick look in. I'd really sort of quite like it to hang around for a bit longer.

By the time we got back it was dark.

And the calm had gone. Maybe we need to live in the car.

The couple that work together... again

I didn't post yesterday.

We were exhausted.

I've been playing decorators assistant again. We stripped and re-papered the living room of a cantankerous, money-grabbing, tight-fisted, picky, poor-me of an old lady who told us of all her ailments and tried to beat us down on price even after agreeing to it. By the end of the three days she seemed to think we were her bestest friends and we were invited around for a glass of wine. Neither of us drink.

We don't like wallpapering. We particularly don't like the fiddly bits.

We do like working together.

I think that bodes well for our future.

Poppet on a stick

The lengths (or heights) a poppet will go to to get a good view.

Dear sperm

Just, like, well, you know, do your job(s).

Please.

Mmmkay?

Occasionally...

It takes me a moment to catch up with my own head.

I'm not feeling so gloomy today. Thank you for your kind words of support and general gloom lifting vibes.

I think it was/is a combination of things not the least of which is the fact that I'm almost entirely 100% sure that I'm ovulating at the moment and I'm hopeful, scared, nervous, pessimistic and a whole host of hormonal feelings that seem to be circling around my head. ~~more conception vibes please!~~

Do you get crampy when you ovulate? Grumpy? Gloomy? Filled with portents of doom?

We conceived George in June last year and I'm not sure how I'd feel if we got pregnant next month. It would be terrifying to be at the same stage in the same month that we lost him. I'm not sure how I would cope. But on the other hand I wouldn't want to "waste" a cycle. Woo, there's another gloom inducing thought.

Time seems to be getting away from me these days. I want to be pregnant now. I want to turn the clock back. I want to be 10 years younger. I want George.

Gloom

It's been hanging over me all day and I can't quite shake it.
I sat in the sun in our garden with Ray and our loony kittehs and it hung around.
I finished three jewellery orders and still it hung around.
And now I'm waiting for the hair dye to cover the grey hair and perhaps dye the gloom away.

Tomorrow had better be better or there will be trouble.

A moment in the life of a girl kitteh

Hmmmmm?

Whuu?

Whaaaaaat?

Ooooh Nooooooo.... no more photos! I neeeeeed my sleep... my life is sooooo stressful.

I mean see what I have to put up with? A brother who thinks he's a box!