Sunday, 5 September 2010

Five good things?

Ray finally finished painting the back bedroom. And I can't bear to go in it. It's now a neutral blank room with no hint of what it might have been. Not that there was ever a hint of what it might have been. We never had a chance.

It should be full of little boy things. It should be filling up with new things.

As I watched Ray painting the soft white colour on the wall a sudden rush of tears sent me from the room and since then I can't quite seem to stop the weepies and the why us's. I broke our £1 recycling centre bathroom cabinet find while drilling screw holes into it, burst into tears and didn't stop for 20 minutes. I feel like a train wreck.

We have to move our bed into that little room soon so that our bedroom ceiling can be re-soundproofed, new carpet laid and the walls painted. I feel as if I will be trespassing in our children's never-space and I wonder if I will dream of my little lost babies. Perhaps they will haunt me there.


If Little P had lived we would have been 19 weeks. I only know that because I made a note of it in iCal and forgot to delete it.


I don't have five good things to end this week with, but I hope you do.


I will make next week better.


10 comments:

  1. oh, barb.
    the room that should have been our baby's room is full of crap. when i was pregnant we replastered the lounge, and all our stuff went in there. i think that maybe the real reason it's all still in there nearly a year later is that if we put everything back we'll have to decide on something to do with it.
    i can understand.

    sending hugs and hoping next week is better.
    xxx

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  2. I know, sweetie- as I told you, there have been times when I've just wanted to lock the door and walk away from our place forever. Love and hope live in that second bedroom of yours, and it's always good to have both in the house.

    Trainwreck or not, I am proud to have you as a friend.

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  3. Hugs. I hope today is a better day for you. xx

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  4. Barb, it is unfair that you two should be without your babies. That room should be occupied with a little person right now. It is ok that you can't find five good things this week but I hope next week is more gentle on you.

    -Brianna

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  5. I love, these bad times always take us a bit by surprise. I'm thinking of you.

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  6. My dear friend, Barb... I just want to send you huge bloody hugs right now. Wish I could give them to you in person, actually.
    I get the room thing. Two years after Ciaran should have come home with us and I'm faced with the possibility of having to pack up his nursery soon (to maybe move house). It doesn't feel right that not only did Ciaran not come home to his carefully and lovingly decorated room, but no baby ever slept there.
    I hope you dream beautiful dreams of your babies while you sleep in 'their' room, painted with love by their daddy. I hope that you even dream of a beautiful little miracle to come. I hope that all of your poppets give you dreams that make your heart sing for days..

    xxx

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  7. i'm sorry it's such sh*t right now. i can't imagine how hard this in-home transition must be. take your time with tears. take your time with your list of good things. grief is too deep - i hope you can give yourself plenty of time and grace to go through the sadness. xo

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  8. aw, hon. That's hard, real hard. Take it easy on yourself.

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