Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Disquietude

This morning as I awoke I was thinking of George (as ever). Teetering on the edge of tears (as ever), wishing I had spent more time with him, wishing I had bathed him, imagining bathing him, wishing I could have done better for him, wishing I could kiss his nose one more time, wishing I didn't have to think these thoughts and wishing I had woken to contented baby noises (or screams) instead of silence. As ever.

Perhaps it is because our home ought to be filled with George noise that I'm not so good with silence any more. I used to be able to sit peacefully for hours ages a while in quiet places with only the sounds of birds or the ticking of a clock for company. But there is a distinct lack of quiet in my head that drowns out the sounds of birds and the ticking of clocks. In those quiet places, a little silence within would be nice.

Perhaps I am trying to fill the silence that shouldn't be with the noise in my head.

I have been trying to meditate or visualise in order to take myself away from the disquiet and I seem to have lost the plot. Thoughts other than those I am trying to induce start to intrude, nag, whine and whinge until I give over to them and give up on my search for a little internal peace.

*Sigh*

I don't think I am pregnant this month. a raging whiny snotty cold pretty much put paid to the campaign, so with only a half hearted try I'm not holding my breath. 7dpo... This month was/is our last chance for a 2010 baby. Shit.


12 comments:

  1. hugs. its the noise in our heads that is the worst.

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  2. Lot's of hugs honey xx
    We will always hope and wish for just 1 more time and more memories.
    hey, 2011 isnt too far off..... xxx

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  3. I can relate to all of this. In the silence of this house the noise in my head is deafening.

    I'm definitely not pregnant again this month. I keep trying to rationalize that we have only been trying for 6 months. Its not abnormal to try for 6 months. But my mind is racing with all the what ifs, and I too have realized that unless we strike it rich this cycle, we aren't having a 2010 baby.

    I wish we could have tea together today. Cry into our tea cups if we wanted to, and talk about our babies and their adorable button noses. xo

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  4. Oh Barb,
    22years on and I remember those same thoughts~I vowed things would be different if history repeated itself...
    Sending you healing thoughts today and hoping the noise in your head and heart quiets to a whisper. xoxo

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  5. The silence can be deafening at times, and then there is the eternal chatter that will not stop in our heads. Terrible cycle. Those elusive moments where the chatter stops and the silence around us is peaceful seem so few.

    It is hard. It sucks. I hope you find moments of peace soon.

    ((((hugs)))

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  6. Oh, my, yes. My head is the noisiest place. Chatters and chatters away, and never about anything I want to hear. Breathe. Love. Repeat.

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  7. Sigh. Big sigh indeed.
    Still hoping for you, my friend.
    xo

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  8. Always thinking of you, and bugger that cold :(
    Bugger to 2010 too (apparently it sucks big time anyway), but here's to a NEW YEAR BURBLE BABY!
    love to you always x

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  9. "wishing I could kiss his nose one more time" - Don't you wish some moments could last forever?
    Sweet dreams and renewing rest,
    x

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  10. I know that deafening silence all to well. It hurts :( I haven't been around much lately but Your ALWAYS in my thoughts sweet lady!
    Sending you much love & hope.
    Marian

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  11. oh barb... hugs... lots of love and big hugs...

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  12. i wish so much that i'd bathed Leila too. she was so fragile and her skin was broken i couldn't bear the thought of hurting her so i let my father do it. had i known all the regrets.... oh but how could we have known?
    and yes, shit it right. i had been hoping for a 2010 baby too, i thought this would be the year, but it doesn't look so. i've peed on about ten sticks the past week, like a crazy woman, and they were all neg. :(
    hugs to you, and as always, thinking of you and George <3

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