Disquietude

This morning as I awoke I was thinking of George (as ever). Teetering on the edge of tears (as ever), wishing I had spent more time with him, wishing I had bathed him, imagining bathing him, wishing I could have done better for him, wishing I could kiss his nose one more time, wishing I didn't have to think these thoughts and wishing I had woken to contented baby noises (or screams) instead of silence. As ever.

Perhaps it is because our home ought to be filled with George noise that I'm not so good with silence any more. I used to be able to sit peacefully for hours ages a while in quiet places with only the sounds of birds or the ticking of a clock for company. But there is a distinct lack of quiet in my head that drowns out the sounds of birds and the ticking of clocks. In those quiet places, a little silence within would be nice.

Perhaps I am trying to fill the silence that shouldn't be with the noise in my head.

I have been trying to meditate or visualise in order to take myself away from the disquiet and I seem to have lost the plot. Thoughts other than those I am trying to induce start to intrude, nag, whine and whinge until I give over to them and give up on my search for a little internal peace.

*Sigh*

I don't think I am pregnant this month. a raging whiny snotty cold pretty much put paid to the campaign, so with only a half hearted try I'm not holding my breath. 7dpo... This month was/is our last chance for a 2010 baby. Shit.