Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Yesterday

Yesterday morning I awoke feeling strangely calm. I thought I would wake up weeping. In fact I haven't slept much at all for the last three nights so I woke up groggily, at 9:45, having fallen asleep again at 8ish, demanding tea. Ray watched me, wondering. Hysterics (more of)? Silent tears (more of)? Giant snotty sobs (even more of)?

No, the tears started when I started reading emails and the comments on yesterday's blog and then they came and went for the rest of the day. Thank you all for helping me release the inevitable flood. Crying for George, crying for me, crying for Ray, crying for our relationship that has this huge heap of sad right in the middle of fields and fields of happiness and then late yesterday afternoon, crying for the womb that seemed to remember and started cramping even worse than the previous four pre-menstrual days. "That's mean" said Ray and I couldn't argue with that.

We didn't go to George's wood yesterday. It was grey, windy and rainy and I didn't want to see it like that again. I want to go there in the sun and I don't want to make a ritual out of it, so that the one year on the 20th October when we can't be there for whatever reason, the sky won't fall down. I think we'll go soon though. I want to collect some of the earth from that place and mix it in a little corner with the earth from this place and fill that corner with forget-me-nots. We have a big project going on in our garden (I'll post photos soon) which has involved much moving of earth (by Ray), dry stone walling (by Ray), path making (by Ray) and planning and directing (by me). I can't wait to start planting it with flowers, forget-me-nots, heartsease, chamomile, violas, bluebells, and many more. Yesterday afternoon we worked in the garden for a while and then drove up onto the moors to watch the sunset.


On the 19th I finished six pieces of jewellery for my shop and yet another for myself. Birthstones this time; a pearl for June, the month he was conceived, opal for October, the month of his loss, and aquamarine for March, the month he was due to be born. I really must stop making things for myself, there's only so much stuff I can hang around my neck.


I can't thank all of you enough for the kind words and mentions in your own blogs. You are wonderful. You are marvellous. You keep me going. Who remembered out here? Me, Ray and although my Mum was a day early, she remembered too. That's it. My son's life was too little, too tiny, too invisible, too insignificant for people out here to remember. But as Danielle wrote to me, George has changed the world. My world is significantly different because he was here. Because of him I have friends all over the world who care, who cheer us on, who remember. Thank you. THANK YOU.

18 comments:

  1. You're welcome, Barb. We love him. We love you.

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  2. This post was beautiful and heartbreaking all in one. I have tears flowing. I'm greatly lacking for words right now. I just love you.

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  3. Your necklace is beautiful. George did change the world. I hope that, even though they didnt tell you, there were more IRL people who remembered him and thought of him.

    What a beautiful sunset. I think that, when I see one that looks like that, I will call it George's sunset. :)

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  4. Your necklace is so beautiful. You can never have too much jewelery :)And that sunset is breath taking.
    No life is too tiny to not be remembered. I love a quote out of dr seuss's horton hears a who "A person's a person no matter how small"

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  5. I really love the idea of taking some of the earth from George's wood and taking some from your home and making a special place. The thought of that just makes me smile.

    I'm glad that you felt our love yesterday... and I hope that you continue to feel it.

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  6. That necklace is gorgeous, Barb. I was crying with you yesterday. I'm glad you were held all over the world from blogs to emails to mail. We do love you and miss your boy.

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  7. What a beautiful way to honor your sweet George, mixing the earth and planting beautiful flowers in his name. And the necklace is lovely! xx

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  8. B and I are traveling right now. I was just telling him about "my friend Barbara, George's mom." I told him that yesterday was George's birthday, and I was thinking of you and Ray and wondering how you spent the day yesterday.

    Then I happened to log on with my phone (not an easy task!) and found this lovely post. My heart is full for you. I suspect our IRL experience will be the same, when the time comes. But it sounds like your day held as much peace as could be expected. And just the right amount of tears :) I'm glad.

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  9. yesterday, so many yesterdays and so many tomorrows....

    I love the idea of combining the soil and planting forget-me-nots - and of Ray doing all the work :)

    I like the new necklace - is this one you would offer at your store? I want to get a birthstone thing, like a family ring, but haven't found anything yet....

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  10. I love your idea of taking the earth from George's woods and mixing and growing beautiful things in your yard. It sounds as tho you found some peace in your day yesterday~I hope so. Lovely necklace! Sending much love to you...

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  11. Thinking of you as you remember your beautiful George. The post, as well as the video tribute from Carly, were beautiful tributes to this special little baby. Also, your four seasons post was so moving, I could picture George there with you, investigating things like that caterpillar as little boys do. My heart aches for you tonight my friend. Simply Aches.

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  12. Thank you for sharing the love you have for George with us. He will always be in my heart, along with his Mum and Dad.

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  13. George, a tiny baby is your world. He can never be insignificant. Hugssssssss

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  14. I'm glad you found some peace on George's special day yesterday. The necklace you made for him is so beautiful. Big (((hugs))).

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  15. I'm way behind on my blog reading & commenting. Just wanted to say this was beautiful, & I'm thinking of you & George. (((hugs)))

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  16. Wow! I really like that piece!!

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