Setback no. 1734

I woke up early this morning shivering. Wow, what a cold morning. I dashed to the bathroom and back into bed. I could not get warm. I dithered, I got another blanket, I shivered.

Ray woke up and tried to warm me up with a cuddle. "Wow! You're burning up!" Temperature of 38.9c/ 102f. Yikes.

It took two duvets and two blankets and at about midday after snoozing on and off I felt my own heat and flung off a few covers.

I've seen my doctor today ("how are you?" Tears of course) who thinks that the coincidence of the hycosy scan followed by low belly pain and fever indicates an infection. Waaaaaa! On the other hand it might be a bug I've picked up along the way. *crosses fingers, hopes Ray get's it too*

But it is possible that because the fever had gone by the time we got to the doctors office (I still feel like crap) I might not need more antibiotics. I have a prescription, just in case.

Just when you thought things were improving.

We drove to a view point after my doctors visit to watch the rain and Ray started talking about his shock at the news from monday, how scared he is to try again, whether it's worth it if things might go wrong again, how would we deal with it, maybe we shouldn't but he wants to, but he couldn't stand to see me in such pain again, and round and round until he'd got all the thoughts out of his head. No conclusions, because there aren't any. We will be trying again, of course we will, we hope everything works out, but we're terrified, just like everyone else.

And now I'm going back to bed, I'll catch up with you all tomorrow.

Made with love part three

I haven't forgotten. I haven't given up. I've been a bit distracted these last couple of weeks by car rides and hospital visits and imminent due dates.

I am slowly making my little tags. Sawing, filing, drilling, sanding and polishing. They will just need the names adding. I won't have too many to start with but as soon as I have a bit more money I will be getting more supplies. I am also working on a couple of "one off" designs that I'm hoping someone somewhere will like!

I'm going to sell the tags without chains at the moment simply because I can't afford to buy any! But hopefully those of you who expressed an interest will still want one or two.

I'm thinking of setting up another blog just for this with a paypal checkout on it. I'm starting off quite small and still figuring out how to work this so I'm hanging on a bit before starting a "proper" online shop. Or I might just keep it very small, exclusive and super-personal!

I was thinking of starting on 5th March because it seemed fitting to begin this enterprise on the day that I was supposed to begin an entirely different enterprise. Unfortunately I think that I might have to delay that a bit. But I'm nearly there!

Let me know if you have any ideas that might be useful for me!


On a more personal note. I'm still processing the news from yesterday. It's a weird feeling to be sure. We are now in a place that we hadn't expected to be in for a few months. My mood today has certainly been a little lighter. And as for the "getting busy"? Sheesh! Mind your own business!

Ladyparts on parade

At 2.10 today for some reason I checked my diary. Evilfibroidscan monday, Dr appointment wednesday. George's due date thursday, telephone interview with occupational therapist friday. What what what? Evilfibroid scan monday... monday at 2.15... noooooooo... it's 2.10... Sh*t, f@ck, Bo&&ocks!!! How on earth had I mistook monday for tuesday!

Panicked call to Ray... shaking hands... oh hell... must wash ladyparts... contact lenses... makeup (yes, for some reason I had to put on some makeup) ... appointment letter... go go go.

15 minutes later (don't ask me how) Ray dropped me off, drove off to park and I dashed through the doors of the maternity unit and called the huge elevator that 133 days ago took me from one floor to the next on a bed to deliver our dead son. I got out at the floor of the delivery suite and turned in the opposite direction to the sound of babies crying with new life towards the assessment clinic. Breathing deeply, shaking mightily, hoping that my appointment hadn't been cancelled, hoping the place wasn't full of pregnant women, I approached the desk. It hadn't been, it wasn't. Phew!

I saw the nice smiley midwife from the early pregnancy assessment unit who had beamed her huge torch into my ladyparts several times during my pregnancy, who had made a special trip to see us and George after his birth and had told me how beautiful he was while hugging me tightly and crying for us. This is a big maternity unit in a big hospital but she remembered me and rushed over to give me a big hug. I of course burst into tears and she took me by the hand and led me to a private waiting room. We had a lovely little chat, then Ray arrived to a hug from her and she went off to make us cups of tea.

Eventually I was called for the scan. My Ob apologised for making us wait... ahem. The technician remembered me from before too. Ray carefully moved his chair so that he had no view of the proceedings down in the ladypart area and gave me his hand to squeeze and by golly it got squeezed today. First a vaginal scan. Not so bad. 2d 3d 2d 3d. Then the big light, the peering, the catheter and the saline. It took three tries to get the catheter to stay in and after the first two uncomfortable tries I became dreadfully dizzy and the Ob was almost ready to give up and order a hysteroscopy which would have meant a general anaesthetic and possibly a night in hospital... no no no! I bravely (or cowardly) agreed to one more try and so she got a whopping huge speculum and... eee ooo ow... it worked!

The results? Well, the evilfibroids are still there. But they couldn't find anything poking into my uterine cavity. They all appear to be either on the outside or in the wall away from the endometrium which, according to the sonographer, was "beautiful" *beams with uterine pride*. Fallopian tubes fine, no problems with the ovaries and 17 follicles spotted. 17 sounds wonderful but I have no idea about these things, is it good? I'm not going to become Octomoms rival am I? The sonographer then told us that since I'd had a "good clean out", we should perhaps "get busy".

Catheter removed, dripping saline, I padded up and got dressed.

I expected there to be a need for surgery but my Ob thinks the chances of scarring outweigh the benefits of removing the fibroids now, definitely after a pregnancy but not now. She was really pleased for us. I think I was in shock. I asked some more questions about things I remembered her saying on the day George was born. She reassured me that these weren't concerns and she gave me a prescription for a mega dose of folic acid.

I think I was hoping for one big fat obviously truly evil fibroid to point my finger at and curse in rightious indignation for killing my son, but it wasn't there. I had my finger ready but it wasn't there. In the end there seem to be no real answers as to why George died. Sad? Happy? Both?

Pregnancy is going to be terrifying now anyway so perhaps there's no point adding to it with evilfibroid fear. Thousands of women have fibroids, some much much bigger than mine and then manage to carry a baby successfully. I think I can, I hope I can, I hope I can. I can say one thing for definite. I won't be carrying the added stress of that job into our next pregnancy, uh uh, nope.

Time to get busy then I suppose, *glances lecherously in Ray's direction*

Zondas and heroes and hips, oh my.

We drove the other way along the coast today to one place filled with tourists and then on to another that wasn't.

At the first, Exmouth, a local centre for the kite boarding fraternity (i.e. veeeery windy!), we visited a mini-flea market. I bought a book written by Tony Hart, a childhood hero of mine who made art exciting and accessible for children with his many TV programmes from 1967 to 1994. The book shows how children develop as artists from about 1 year to 7 years and several projects Tony Hart took to schools around Britain. One day I hope to use the book as inspiration for my forays into art with our little one to be... one day. Ray bought some old toy cars, memories of his own childhood.

The only photos we took of Exmouth were of the car that we followed into town. A Pagani Zonda, which was about £700 000 new and only half that second hand. Yes, there are people with that sort of money! When I think of that sort of money, I think of a house, a safe car (with a top-of-the range car seat of course), a few nice holidays and money in the bank for a rainy day.
It looks like this when you're not following it and it's in it's natural element i.e. a race track.

I'm not much of a car person but this was quite quite impressive. Much more impressive than a town full of people.

A cup of tea and a sandwich later we drove on a little further to Budleigh Salterton, a town that moves at a much more sedate place. It was quiet. The few people there were strolling along the pebbled beach.

The place was serene.

Calm and calming.

Quiet,And colourful.

Stepping into the surreal for a moment, we found this gentleman throwing some interesting shapes for a photographer.

Time to go.

With one more photo for the family album. Oh my, just look at those child bearing hips. Those hips really need the chance to prove that they were worth the trouble of being the big girl of the gang. Yes indeed they do.

Not all photographs work out the way you want them to... bit like life really.