Saturday, 15 May 2010

Undefeated

Lying in bed this morning with a cat snoring near my shoulder and another curled up at my side and my Poppet snoring not so gently next to me I had a sleepy vision of a little boy in blue pyjamas-with-feet climbing up on the stool Ray made me because our new bed is so high to get in on the morning snuggles. That was the word I heard this little boy saying. "Snuggles" as he launched himself at the bed.

And I felt utterly bereft.

I think internet should be on prescription for the lost and bereaved. I can't imagine how I would have got through the last 17 months without the support and gentle advice of this community. Thank you SO much for your words of support and encouragement.

I took a little pill this morning.

I'm not expecting a miracle cure by this afternoon. The only possible "cure" would be for me to wake up tomorrow morning to the sounds of my 14 month old son. For now all I'm hoping for is that the little pill doesn't make me feel sick.

But things have been piling up on me. A big steaming heap of pressure and stress. Some of it self inflicted (who isn't their own worst enemy?) but most of it circumstantial. Mum Worry Dad Worry Pain Grief Panic Depression Mum Worry Dad Worry Pain Grief Panic Depression...

No I'm not defeated and I haven't given up.

Round 47364960382: Barbara applies a flu.oxe.tine plaster to her broken heart for a while.


11 comments:

  1. Wish there were a miracle cure. Wish there were a lot of things. Glad there's a Barbara, and I'm glad she's taking care of herself. Sending you so much love.

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  2. So thinking of you and your hurting heart. Glad you decided to try something to help ease the heavy weights on your shoulders. Praying that it soon does. xoxo

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  3. Good for you, Barb. You've taken the first step in trying to feel a bit better. there is no 'magic cure' but this is a start. xxoo

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  4. Happy to read this post. Sad you have to be in this place, but happy you've reached this point.
    Also happy to keep helping in any way I can.
    xo

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  5. hugging you from across the many miles...

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  6. thinking of you Barb, sending a big hug~hoping the sun will start shining for you soon....

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  7. I wish that vision were true....

    I hope the pill helps. But more importantly, that health of the family gets back on track and soon.

    Hugs.

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  8. Wishing for a peaceful day for you. xx

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  9. i hope the tablet helps. i think mine is helping me, a little.

    i'm glad you know you're not defeated. thinking of you.
    x

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  10. barb, your vision of your little boy made me cry. i have those images too. they are too much to bear sometimes.

    i hope your little pill helps. you deserve some help. i hope it moves you to whatever place of healing and hope you are ready for next.

    xo

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  11. No, you most certainly aren't defeated, and you never will be!
    xxxx

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