Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Possibilities, probabilities and fertilities

We saw the ob/gyn instead of the fertile nurse. The pregnant waiting room was thankfully empty of pregnant women and there were only two other couples waiting in the fertility clinic.

My hormones are working, all levels are "good" to "great". I am ovulating well. Lots of follicles. My FSH level isn't a worry. I'm not even peri-menopausal yet.We are both "normal".

Phew. And wow. And possibly whoop.

On the other hand;

We're not pregnant yet.

There will be no IVF unless we win the lottery. And we rarely play the lottery.

There might be clomid, but I would need to lose some weight for that to be more effective and even so, I AM ovulating normally so it might be pointless.

My eggs are 42 years old. No really? Does that mean I might have an exceptionally mature child? No? Just that the odds aren't in our favour.

In a "last ditch attempt" after "trying everything" we might remove the fibroids, which are tiny now, they aren't in the womb cavity and "probably" aren't the reason we haven't conceived again yet and "probably" aren't the reason for "your earlier problems" ... hmmm... not sure how to take that last one, I think "earlier problems" refers to the bleeding I had during pregnancy and not to losing George. I hope so. Cos, you know, he's so much more than that. Anyway it would mean open surgery as opposed to laparoscopic surgery with weeks of recovery time and no guarantee that the possibility of scarring won't make things worse.

There was great news there but I still ended up filling up with tears in the clinic and having a good old cry in the car after. I wasn't expecting to see her for a start. The one who poked me with needles in delicate places and confirmed George's death with the portable grainy ultrasound that showed him slumped still and low in my womb. It brought it all back. Again. Every time I go back to the Maternity department I almost-but-not-quite manage to keep it together.

So. Lots of probably's and maybe's and possibly's. We keep trying. We think about fibroid surgery in three months or so but I'm already thinking no and Ray hates the idea of me going through major surgery. We think about being pregnant again. We think about not succeeding. We hope. We think about how long we can continue hoping. But we don't set a limit. Not yet.

We concentrate on the good news.

And "possibly" some chocolate therapy.


12 comments:

  1. It's horrid isnt it going back? remembering it all..I had to go through it last week.
    You had some great news though honey regarding ovulating. Im sooo worried about the menopause as my family all went through it from the age of 37..and im 37 this year!
    If you go through the IVF journey(but hopefully you wont have to) talk to me,ive been there too and my twins are 9 this may.
    hugs xxx
    angel's Mummy

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  2. it seems more frustrating knowing things are 'normal'. well, at least more perplexing.

    but, now maybe you can set stress aside - that mught help, right???

    "everything is fine and I AM going to get knockedup. In the family way. There WILL be a bun in the oven"

    sending positive thoughts...

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  3. Oh Barb, so hard to know how to take news like this. SO glad all is normal but just so sad for you that things haven't worked out again since George.
    I play the lottery.........

    xo

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  4. That is a mix of good and bad news...

    What a relief that you are ovulating, at least that is a bit of very positive information.

    chocolate therapy :)

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  5. It's good that you are ovulating. But frustrating that you're not pregnant. Still hoping it happens!

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  6. You know, thinking about having an exceptionally mature child because of the age of my eggs is the only thing I have ever, ever found funny on this topic. Ever. So when I stop laughing, I will say this: There are all sorts of lotteries you can win here. And I will keep trusting that you will.

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  7. I am going to buy a ticket this week Barb :)

    xxx

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  8. Yay for ovulating! My friend recently got pregnant naturally after 4 years of trying IVF, she got a 'fertility massage'-I'd never heard of them so I thought I'd share the info, and hope you get two pink lines soon!

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  9. I'm sorry honey. I'm sure you must be so frustrated. B and I were "unexplained" and it was such a double edged sword. On one hand, I was glad nothing was "wrong" - on the other hand, if nothing was wrong, we couldn't "fix" it! Is anyone talking about IUI as a possibility? Cause I get what you're saying about IVF not happening without a lottery win!

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  10. Barb, I'm sorry for how difficult it is to go back there. Everything being "normal," being "good to great," can be both positive and negative. But I hope that this reassurance can help reduce the stress and worry about your body.

    It's good that you have some sort of plan with the Clomid (I know of another woman who is using Femara). IUI is another more affordable option than IVF, which some women combine with Clomid.

    I hope you have George's little brother or sister in your arms soon. ((hugs))

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  11. oh yes, i can totally relate to the good news not feeling quite as good as it should. :( very glad to hear, though, that there are no major concerns! even though i'm sure it is so, so frustrating.

    i am another one who is "normal" but you know, not quite... i'm playing around with some herbs and supplements and things to boost my chances. found some stuff i like. if you ever want to chat about it, drop me a line. who knows if it works, but sometimes it's good to try whatever just to feel proactive. at least that's how it's been for me.

    thinking of you lots. xo

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  12. praying for good news on the baby front for you very, very soon. xx

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