Saturday, 7 November 2009

Struggling

With words, with days, with hope, with just about everything at the moment.

This year has been difficult to say the least. Frightening, painful, dark, enriching, strange, enlightening, filled with love and so so terribly terribly sad.

Coming full circle hasn't changed anything. George is still gone, I still miss the him that I imagine and I'm still not pregnant again. One day passing into another didn't make everything magically "better" and I didn't expect it to. I'm still plodding on, sometimes in one spot, sometimes taking a little leap and sometimes stepping back.

And that's what I seem to be doing right now; stepping back. I have half written posts, half written emails (sorry), half finished pieces of jewellery (don't worry if you're waiting, I'm getting there) and even now, half hung out laundry. All of which in my mind seems to sort of mirror my half finished pregnancy.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting very much lately but I know you understand. You really are great. I do mean that, you are great. I am reading. I am cheering you on from the sidelines. I just don't have many words.


32 comments:

  1. Hey Barbara

    you are great and we will get through this and there will be some kind of peace and sense of purpose to be found. I'm looking too and the world of half is so very much my world, too? (did the second sock of my paris by any chance end up in your washing machine then??)

    I sometimes feel I'm trying to cycle a bike that doesn't have a chain. I forever peddle and not moving forward.

    Here with you
    sending you a big hug and drinking a virtual cup of tea with you, reading and nodding and agreeing with everything you say

    love
    Ines

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  2. pairs not Paris! I wish there was an edit function once you submit a comment. But not a seriously important wish, for it's not a big annoying thing just a minor little bit of an itch if anything.

    xx

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  3. No apologies sweetie! We understand. At the one year mark, I felt the same way. Nothing is better, I'm still stuck, nobody remembers. Take your time and know we understand you may need some time to yourself.
    Sending much, much love your way.
    xoxo,
    Marian

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  4. Much love to you Barbara. I wish I had something better to say. xo

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  5. Oh Barb, hang in~I was 1 1/2-2 years before I was really functioning again. This Mom-grief just takes it's time. You will get thru this~you will! and the sun will shine in your life again. But right now your heart is broken, and you need to let it mend. Be kind to yourself~WE all understand, and whoever doesn't, well, a pox on them...

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  6. Save your words, friend. Use them when you really need them. We certainly don't mind.
    We love you and miss your boy with you.

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  7. The down times are hard. The tired everything half days that just drag along are really hard.

    Take your time, do what you want as you want and know I'm thinking of you.

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  8. I haven't commented very often but I do read and I wanted to let you know I care. The days following Emma's birthday have been very much harder for us too so I understand and wish you gentle days.

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  9. Thinking of you and George and sending you lots of love and support. This grief journey is a bitch. Take it one day at a time, one breath at a time, and know there are herds of people pulling for you. xxoo

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  10. I was also not expecting to feel a change in grief after the first year, but I was hoping for it. Surely after one entire year SOMETHING should be different. And we are. We move forward, fall back, step to the side a bit...

    I'm sorry things are particularly difficult today. Thinking of you, Ray and George with love.

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  11. I'm struggling too Barb so I understand completely. Hugging you

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  12. Oh, I so get this- the sense that after a year, SOMETHING should be clearer, more hopeful, or at least different. Sometimes I think the hardest days are the ones after you've cleared the big hurdles, when it turns out not to look so different on the other side.

    Still, you know, I hope for you. I believe for you. Here with you, on the dark days and the light.

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  13. Everyone fully understands.

    YOUR BEAUTIFUL BARB - Don't worry about anyone else :)

    Love you xxxx

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  14. Well, I do not have too many words either...

    But I know you miss George...to have something so unexpectedly beautiful come you way, and when you began to cherish, to have it rudely and irrevocably taken away is hard. And it continues to manifest.

    Take your own time, Barbara. We are all here.

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  15. one day the words will come... until then, silence is okay...

    thinking of you...

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  16. It really is hard to pick up the broken pieces of our lives and deal with a future that is scarred beyond recognition...after a while words become mundane and silence speaks louder...we are all in the same boat. Hugsssssss

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  17. i think everyday I still have a small time of struggle - and some days are all rocky. it's a long hard, neverending road - we have to just keep plodding, even if sometimes we are virtually standing still.

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  18. I know. With ya every step of the way, Barb. I haven't been commenting much, or blogging much either, and I wish it was because I was out in the world having way too much fun. But it's not at all. Always here reading, often thinking of you and wishing us both off this darn unfair train.

    xxx

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  19. Yup, I have been there for about 3 months. I have been quietly reading without much to say either. This year thing is hard.

    We're here for you.

    Thinking of you.

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  20. I'm just finding my voice again, after being quiet for a while - for me it comes in waves, the need to talk and then the inability to find words and the need to be quiet. I'm thinking of you and George and sending love.

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  21. Boy do I get this!! I have my in and out days, weeks... Times when I'm in the blog loop, times when I'm out simpily because I can't read about one more pregnancy, one more "failed" pregnancy, one more dead baby... Sometimes, most of the time, its just too much. I get it. Take your time. Find your breath. We'll all still be here.

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  22. I think Ya Chun is right - we have hard days and some that are even harder. And, miraculously, some that aren't so bad. Hugs to you as you move through this rocky part of your own path of sorrow.

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  23. I am thinking of you, Ray, and George with love.

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  24. "Coming full circle hasn't changed anything. George is still gone"

    Heartbreaking... thinking of you.

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  25. Just wanting to let you know that I'm thinking of you and George.

    I've been lost for words too lately, sometimes I can't even find the right words to let anyone else know that I care.
    xxx

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  26. Sometimes it's hard to come up with words. Hoping things start to feel a little more full.

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  27. I’m new here to your blog and wanted to “pop” in to say hi! : ) I will be praying for you since its been a hard year for you!!!! I totally understand it though because I went through something simular!
    If you would like come check out my blog and enter my current giveaway at littlemissheirlooms.blogspot.com
    I hope you decided to follow me because I try to bring my readers a new and AMAZING giveaway every Monday!
    Xo
    Priscila

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  28. Sending you all peaceful thoughts and much love. Thinking of you and your George.

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  29. YOU are great Barb. Thinking of you friend and sending much love. xoxo

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  30. PS - YAY my comment posted! Hopefully, from now on I can actually comment so you know I'm here reading and thinking of you.

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  31. hi barbara. thinking of you today. i'm sorry things are so hard hard hard right now. sometimes there just are no words for how much this sucks. but i'll be happy to read your words whenever you feel like writing more of them. love to you.

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