10 dpo cd 23 npd 9365

npd? non pregnant day

It's raining here. It's been raining all day and the forecast is for a wet August. Summer is a bust. I have periody type cramps and I'm expecting not to be expecting once again this month. Boo. Hiss. Waaa. etc. Still 3 days to go so I'm sure I'll pee on at least one stick before the end of this cycle, but don't hold your breath.

So, being a sucker for punishment, I decided to calculate the number of days in my life when I haven't been pregnant.

No not from my birth day.

Shall I count from my first period ever? 9 years old. It is feasible of course, but obviously unlikely.

Ah, my first sexual experience? Do you want to know? Of course you do. I was 16. Too young, too early, too soon, blah blah blah, but my choice and not one I particularly regret. *cue music... "regrets, I've had a few... but then again, to0 few to mention"*

Ok, so starting from my 16th birthday there have been 9512 days.
(I have been alive for 15356 days. Yikes.)
George's pregnancy lasted 147 days. (Isn't it amazing that out of 15356 days 147 of them could have had such a momentous impact)
9512 - 147 = 9365.
npd 9365.
26 years of "fertility".
311 months of not getting that bun in the oven.
Sucker.

Do I regret these npm's? (non pregnant months.) No and yes. No, not at all, because for whatever reason I had to wait till I was 40 to meet the love of my life, if I'd had a child with someone else I would never have met Ray and he is so obviously my other half, the missing piece in my puzzle, the sunshine in my sky (oh shut up) that I can't imagine us not being. I have never met anyone I wanted to have a child with SO much. Yes, because I'm running out of time. Tick tock.

Wildlife

we've been seeing wildlife and not-so-wild life everywhere these last couple of days.





A sweet bird posing for us on the moors in the rain. I don't know what species he is but he was very posey.








A family of ducks waddling across the road as we explored very narrow roads hoping not to meet the farmer in his 4x4.








Wild Dartmoor ponies taking a short cut across the road.








Another day, in another place, a wild rabbit frozen in fear...








...of being caught for dinner.








A free-range cow wondering what on earth we were doing.








A brand new life.









And butterflies chasing us around fields.








At home we have our own wildlife... situation.








Snug as a bug in a... sweater sleeve.

A dream

I was practising a visualisation technique last night in bed. I relax and breathe deeply, I imagine a beam of light connecting me to the centre of the earth, I imagine a bubble in front of me and ground it to the earth too, I invite my baby-to-be to enter the bubble and see what happens. Until last night nothing has happened. I'm very easily distracted and often catch myself thinking about mundane day to day things.

I saw dark cascading rainbow lights behind my eyelids. It was beautiful. I relaxed and enjoyed the show.

I saw George as a young man. I couldn't see his face clearly but I knew it was George and told him I loved him and he was beautiful. He laughed and asked how I knew when I couldn't see his face. I told him I just knew. He was full of fun and joy whilst I was quite serious. He was just out of reach.

And then I noticed another much smaller boy hiding behind George and peeping out at me. He was scared to come to me, scared that I wouldn't keep him safe. I promised him and I promised George that this boy would be safe.

George laughed and ran, leapt and took flight and then shattered into millions of pieces. For a moment I felt horror and then I realised that he had just gone back to be with the elements of the universe. My son is made of star stuff.

I'm not sure if I was dreaming or this was a figment of my over active imagination but it was lovely and quite interesting.

Rosalin

Ladies, please hop over to Tiny footprints on my heart and wrap Rosalin in the warm support of our community. She has just miscarried and had the worst hospital experience.

Go hug!

Sigh

I just looked in the bathroom mirror to find my forehead finely spattered with jewellery polishing compound.

A few moments previously we had been snogging and gazing into each others eyes. Did he notice?

Nope.

Ah yes, and oh for the life of a kitteh.

Turning a corner

Today we were cut up by two women hogging the footpath with their prams. One of them made a sarcastic "thank you" as they forced us into the bushes and pushed past us.

Ray said,

"When I'm pushing a pushchair I'm going to have chariot war wheels with big spikes, and then they'll have to get out of our way".


Hmmm... not too sure about the war wheels but this is a milestone. He hasn't talked about a future with a baby for a long time. Enter hope.

I made a new thing...

...and of course I had to have George's name written on it.

It's about 1.5cm / 1/2 inch square and the name is hand written. I think it looks a bit like a page from a book.

It's very much not perfect but I think it's not bad for my first attempt with Precious Metal Clay (which is fine silver - more pure than the silver I work with now) and I rather like it.

I'm thinking of making some more and selling them in my shop, what do you think?

It doesn't matter.

I've said this a few times. Some people think it means that I don't care about anything.

It doesn't matter that we went to a not-so-great place for lunch. It doesn't matter that we spent too much on plants. It doesn't matter that my lovely china mug was broken (by a kitteh, tsk). It doesn't matter.

On the contrary, it means that I care deeply about the things that DO matter. That I have learned the hard way what DOES matter. That by losing my son I now understand that most of the petty annoyances and day-to-day things that bring us down or make us worry really don't matter.

Love matters.
Kindness matters.
People matter.

Oh I haven't got this down to a fine art yet but at least I know that when I start worrying/getting annoyed/etc I can tell myself that it DOESN'T MATTER and believe it. Or perhaps just start to try to believe it.

It's a valuable lesson, but one I would sacrifice in a heartbeat.

And the winner is...

..this is tough, I'd like to give you ALL a tag for being lovely lovely people and I'll probably do another giveaway soon. It's a nice feeling...

Where was I?

Oh yes.

The winner.

So.

Without further ado...

The winner of my little giveaway, randomly chosen by Random.org is...

Marian!
Otherwise known as Googies girl!

Who snook in at the last minute and won the day... well, won a little tag to commemorate the life of her sweet Emma lost on 25th May 2008.

Whoop!

ZAP!

Ok, now you can do the conception vibe thang!

Cross your fingers and toes, concentrate really hard (just for a moment) and think baaaaabbbbyyyyy...

Think creation, think super sperm meeting exceptional egg, think impressive implantation, think wonder womb, think super safe soughts.... um, thoughts.

Zap 'em this way!

Just a little request

No no, not those conception vibes, not just yet.

No, I want to ask any of you who have ordered or received a necklace or tag from me to take a photo of yourself wearing it!

I want to make a slideshow/collage for my shop and more importantly, I really want to see my little creations being worn by you lovely people!

If you'd rather not have your face in a photo, a shot from your chin down? Or ask me to edit it?

Please?

Thank you.

Click "send me and email" in the link bar above to send a photo.

Thank you.

And hold that conception vibes thought for a day or so will you?

Thank you.

And have you entered yourself or a friend in my giveaway?

xxx

Birthday present giveaway.

I don't think I need any more birthdays now. 42 is quite enough thank you very much.

We had a lovely adventure today, we took my parents along for the ride and went to Lyme Regis. The forecast was for rain but it was sunny just for me. Yes it was.

And today I think I'd like to give away a birthday present. This is my first ever giveaway and I think it's about time.

If you yourself or someone you know would like a double tiny tag would you let me know in a comment and I will chose one with some random software thingy and make one for you or them and send it with love.

Oh and does any one know when you are supposed to feel all-grown-up? Because I'm so not there yet.


(PS, I'll let you know who gets randomised on friday)

The "A" word

My Mum said it today so it must be real. I don't want to think about it but I suppose I'll have to wrap my already battered and bruised heart around it eventually.

They called it "mild cognitive impairment" to start with. A few lapses here and there, becoming more and more frequent. Ask him to go out for milk and he comes back with bread.

My dad's short term memory is shot to pieces.

They say he is developing Altzheimer's.

He's 77 and we are going to lose him bit by bit, memory by memory.

Today he was cheerful and joking about the past. The past is clearer to him than the present. He remembers that I was a "good" baby who didn't cry too much, and if you ask he will tell the story of how he used to feed me and when I'd had enough I would whip my head around so fast that the food would go in my ear. Or the story of how he taught the dog to play the piano. Or how he used to scare me and my brother silly by reading "The three billy goats gruff" and "Little red riding hood." How he would get to the scary bit and turn the page oh-so-very-slowly and we would sink lower into the sofa and squeal with terrified delight. He can't remember any more that I don't take sugar in my tea.

Tomorrow we are taking my parents with us on my birthday adventure. We want them to have some good times.

I feel selfish but I want him to meet a grandchild before he leaves us and I want to walk down an aisle on his arm (must start planning our wedding!).

My Mum bought some videos from a market,
"I bought Fatal Attraction for your father."
"Well I don't think you have to worry about that kind of thing these days now do you"
"Ah, there's no harm in reminding him".
You have to giggle sometimes or the worries of the world will just suck you down.

Fathers day 2006, when we joked about "senior moments", before I met and fell in love with Ray, before we became members of the dead baby club. When I could still laugh so much that my sides hurt and my belly ached.

Ray put it perfectly. "Your dad is such a gentle soul..."

A strange place to be reminded...

Sitting in the podiatrists office, on the big chair, after having my heel stretched a bit and prodded a bit, after being tickled by the spiky thing that checked for numbness, the podiatrist reached for the doppler, squirted some gel on my feet and checked blood flow.

That sound.

Whoosh-knock-whoosh-knock-whoosh-knock. Only one heartbeat. Mine.

Breathe. Deeply.

I need to do more exercises to ease the plantar fasciitis, I have flat feet, I need shoe inserts made, arthritis is getting a grip on both big toe joints and one second toe joint.

Only one heartbeat. Mine.

2 years

08/07/07

We'd just been on the first of what were to become our many little adventures. A boat, a wander around, a ferry, a train. We spent 12 hours together that sunday and at the end of it I decided that yes, I think I do rather like this Ray chappy quite a lot and I think I'd like to be his girlfriend. After all he did pour his whole heart into letting me know how he felt and it only took him 5 months to get around to letting me know how he felt.

One week later he moved in.

One week after that we were engaged.

One year later we made George.

Two years later...

Not one word spoken in anger.
Lots of love.
Shared sadness.
Marvellous adventures.

Lots more to come...

I never thought it was possible to be this much in love.

I feel very lucky.

Hormones 3 Barbara 0

I'm trying hard not to think of this cycle as a failure. It just didn't work.

I'm trying not to think of how much I wanted to be pregnant at a similar time to last year.

I don't know why I wanted this, every sensible bone in my body (little toe?) was screaming that it would be a bad baaad idea to be at a similar (one week behind) gestation on 20th October, one year from losing George. But still I wanted it.

I didn't think I would be recreating George's pregnancy, of course not, that would be impossible. But still I wanted it.

I'm deeply disappointed today. Why did anyone ever use that word to describe my loss of my son to me?

Tomorrow will be better.

Day 1.

Want

We went to a car boot sale* today. It was more than usually full of people selling off their baby things. Prams, high chairs, cots, bouncy seats, toys of every description, car seats, amazingly lovely onesies at 50p each, anything you could think of and mostly good quality.

I look and I want and I want and I want.

And I want to need.






*You have things to sell? Fill your car, turn up on sale day, set up table next to car, arrange items, sell.

Insomnia

We let the cats stay in the bedroom with us last night and consequently didn't sleep a great deal.

2am. Purrrrrrprrrrrprrrrrr muuuuuummm, isn't it breakfast time yet?

3am. Lickscrapetug damn bandage, can't get at the tuggy bits of cotton.

3.30. Prrrrrpuuurrrrr purrr PURRRRRR daaaaad, moooove over will you?

4.00. Maybe if I lie on mum's face she'll get up and make us breakfast...

And so on...

Nope, no photos, I am so not looking my best...

You humans think you can stop me with your puny bandage. Any minute now I will be free...

Ha, and you thought we'd be quiet for a few days...

And introducing friendly Boris. who likes to be tickled.
(Unfriendly Lucy refused to show herself)

Rats are fascinating (for cats)

Oh the guilt

This morning we took the itteh bitteh kittehs to the vets for... *gulp* ...neutering.

We couldn't go home and worry and wait so we went out on the moors to worry with the wind behind us.

When we got them home Sketch was fine. Starving but fine. Lix on the other hand was starving but not so fine. She was high as a kite on drugs and Ray spent an hour trying to keep her calm on the bed. Poor kitteh. She's much better now and we think she has forgiven us.

To add insult to the cattons injury we are rat-sitting for two weeks for Rays sister and brother-in-law and a couple of hours after getting back we had two huge cages set up in the living room with one very friendly non-biting rat and one not very friendly biting rat. Rats are cute but smelly although very interesting to slightly doped cats.

Pictures tomorrow but for now we've all had a stressful day and need some sleep.