Saturday, 29 January 2011

40 weeks

My period went AWOL this month and I wasn't pregnant, not even a little bit, despite throwing obscenities at 3 snowy white tests. I was absolutely convinced the day before my period was due that I was pregnant, because I had symptoms. You know just how deeply disappointing that was don't you? But I wasn't. I'm not. I know I said I might keep a pregnancy a secret but a non-pregnancy? Ha, pregnancy shmegnancy, you get all of those miserable details. Aren't you lucky.

My boobs were really really sore for about 3 weeks. Fibrocystic breasts anyone? Aargh don't touch! What fun. I've ordered a sports bra to keep them in order.

Can I confess something? I have a book of baby names next to the bed, hidden under a notebook and a silversmithing reference manual and sometimes I look at it when I go to bed if I go before Ray. It's not even a good baby naming book but I read a few pages, wonder why anyone would be called Adolph these days and choose a couple of names, even though I already have names picked out. Then I put it away. In that day or so when I was convinced I was pregnant I read it just a bit more intensely.

Then I tested. And tested again the next day, and again three days after that. Snowy f@cking white.

My period arrived after 5 days of tearful, "this is the end, menopause is here" type misery and poor Ray couldn't quite get why I was just as miserable at getting my period as at not getting it.

:::

Then there was the very terribly anxious build up to Rays colonoscopy, or pooposcopy, or bumoscopy or otherendoscopy. His misery while taking laxatives and his awful fear before and during the test. Frightened is hardly a fitting word. What if it's bowel cancer? What we lose each other?

:::

Like many of you, I'm still reeling from the loss of Wiseguy's so-long-waited-for Lola. She's been a great support to many here and this was supposed to be the beginning of the elusive happy-ever-after that we all long for. I wish so much that it wasn't true. She has such a long sad road ahead of her and if you haven't already, please pop by and help hold her up.

::

There weren't five good things last week and I'm going to have to try hard to find five good things tomorrow.

:::


Sigh.


Today is Little Poppet's due date.




16 comments:

  1. Oh, Barb, Little Poppet's due date. I am just so sorry, love. That is all I can say. xo

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  2. Oh. Little Poppet's due date. Oh I know how that one feels. I wish I didn't, but I know. I sigh too, for me and for you and for all who understand. Sending thoughts your way.

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  3. Thinking of you, especially today. I wish that things were different for you and for so many of us and I wish that by wishing I could make it so. Remembering your dear Little Poppet xo

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  4. Sweetie- I know. And I am just so sorry. I am sending you a hug huge enough to take in this whole horrible month. I wish Little Poppet were here.

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  5. Barb,
    I'm so sorry. Damn periods, non-periods, sore boobs. It is such a wicked trick that PMS can so closely mimic pregnancy. Sucks.

    ((((hugs))))

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  6. i'm so, so sorry barb. about all of it.

    i'm sorry your little poppet didn't make it. that little one should have done.

    thinking of you and ray and your little lost ones xxx

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  7. Oh Barb.... I'm sorry. Sending love, lots of it.

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  8. I'm sorry Barb~hoping you find some peace on this sad day...hugs xoxo

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  9. Sweet Barb. This entire post was so hard to read, but something about the title told me it must be about something more. Of course. The last line hit me like a tonne of bricks.
    Oh Little Poppet - how you are loved, remembered and missed. My goodness, I wish this day was so different.
    This is all so unfair and I'm so sorry.
    And yes, I continue to send my love to WiseGuy. Too much sad news of late.
    xo

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  10. sweetheart, i'm so sorry. remembering your little poppet today. i can't believe it has already been 40 weeks. so incredibly sad. sending hugs. xo

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  11. oh sweetie... ((hugs)), big, big, big huge hugs to you.

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  12. So sorry you have to keep going thru these sort of days. You are always in my thoughts. xo

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  13. Loving you Barb xxx and i can relate to all that you have written.
    Thinking of you today (and ray), little poppet too.
    i am so sorry, i wish i could make your dreams come true xx

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  14. big hugs and squeezes to you two.

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  15. I'm so sorry. I've been thinking of you (as usual), but even more frequently.
    Much love to you.

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  16. I'm sorry I missed this...sorry that you are hurting...sorry that so many are hurting. Wish I could do something to make it better. Just hope that knowing people care and think of you and send prayers for your peace helps even in the teeniest of teeny ways.
    xoxoxo

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