Five good things

Ray's test revealed a healthy bowel and a VERY relived pair of Poppets.

We would like to see an active volcano and since Iceland tends to live up to it's name we have decided to visit Hawaii as we think it might be a tad warmer. It might take us 3 or 4 years to save enough but we WILL do it.

And now I'm struggling...

Today should have been different. But it's quiet; I can lie in bed until 10am, listen to my gardening programme on the radio, drink my tea and snuggle with my Poppet and two lazy kittehs. I bet it sounds like a good thing and yes indeed it is. But I'd give almost anything for noise and chaos and exhaustion.

What good things found you this week?

40 weeks

My period went AWOL this month and I wasn't pregnant, not even a little bit, despite throwing obscenities at 3 snowy white tests. I was absolutely convinced the day before my period was due that I was pregnant, because I had symptoms. You know just how deeply disappointing that was don't you? But I wasn't. I'm not. I know I said I might keep a pregnancy a secret but a non-pregnancy? Ha, pregnancy shmegnancy, you get all of those miserable details. Aren't you lucky.

My boobs were really really sore for about 3 weeks. Fibrocystic breasts anyone? Aargh don't touch! What fun. I've ordered a sports bra to keep them in order.

Can I confess something? I have a book of baby names next to the bed, hidden under a notebook and a silversmithing reference manual and sometimes I look at it when I go to bed if I go before Ray. It's not even a good baby naming book but I read a few pages, wonder why anyone would be called Adolph these days and choose a couple of names, even though I already have names picked out. Then I put it away. In that day or so when I was convinced I was pregnant I read it just a bit more intensely.

Then I tested. And tested again the next day, and again three days after that. Snowy f@cking white.

My period arrived after 5 days of tearful, "this is the end, menopause is here" type misery and poor Ray couldn't quite get why I was just as miserable at getting my period as at not getting it.

:::

Then there was the very terribly anxious build up to Rays colonoscopy, or pooposcopy, or bumoscopy or otherendoscopy. His misery while taking laxatives and his awful fear before and during the test. Frightened is hardly a fitting word. What if it's bowel cancer? What we lose each other?

:::

Like many of you, I'm still reeling from the loss of Wiseguy's so-long-waited-for Lola. She's been a great support to many here and this was supposed to be the beginning of the elusive happy-ever-after that we all long for. I wish so much that it wasn't true. She has such a long sad road ahead of her and if you haven't already, please pop by and help hold her up.

::

There weren't five good things last week and I'm going to have to try hard to find five good things tomorrow.

:::


Sigh.


Today is Little Poppet's due date.

Relief

Poppet is fine. Well as fine as you can be after having a camera stuck up your bum and wiggled about. It took over an hour and he was quite traumatised by the whole thing but is now dozing gently on the sofa.

They found nothing sinister, just a couple of polyps in an otherwise "healthy bowel".

I am beyond relieved. You can imagine the scenarios that have been running through my head. I have been telling the universe for days that it ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT TAKE ANOTHER OF MY POPPETS AWAY, and IF HE GOES; I GO TOO, and other such nonsense.

He had to stop eating for 24 hours and since then he has been composing his homecoming brunch. Two soft boiled eggs, four slices of grilled bacon, one grilled sausage, fried cherry tomatoes, mashed potato, baked beans and a slice of fried bread. Phew. And yes, all cooked by me, his friendly vegetarian chef! I made him touch the sausage and bacon though (yik) and then I used veeery long tongs to turn it. Damn I'm good to him.

It's so nice to breathe out again.

Thank you so much for your good thoughts; it seems they worked  ;o)

Good thoughts needed

If you have any to spare would you please send them to my Poppet?

His colonoscopy is tomorrow and he needs a few of your courage-when-dealing-with-nasty-test thoughts.

But mainly, mostly, we really really desperately need your super-strength nothing-is-seriously-wrong thoughts.

Thank you.

Pi.col.ax. Oh my.

For Wise Guy

Dragondreamer's Lair: A Call To Arms

Please drop by Kristen's blog and join in with her plan to do something special for Wise Guy in remembrance of her Lola.

Lola is lost

Woman Anyone?: I am a Bloody Fool

Please please please go and wrap Wise Guy and her family in your love.

Her precious Lola died.

It's so sad, it's so unfair.
Why does this keep happening?

Five good things

This past week has been a bit difficult for me. I have found myself feeling bitter, sad, loved, uplifted and scared in varying degrees.

So there really has been only one good thing this week. But it's one VERY good thing!


Did you know that watching your poppet writhe about on the living room floor trying to pull his jumper off whilst growling that I shouldn't make him angry; I wouldn't like him when he's angry (you may have to be as old as me to get that reference) will make you snort tea from your nose?



What good things found you this week?

Welcome to the world

Woman Anyone?: Kaiser is...

Please go and congratulate S over at Woman Anyone?

Her little "Lola" is here and in the NICU.

Those people

Those people have been in love for four whole months.

Those people are excited by the life they are beginning together.

Those people are learning to fill their lives with love.

Those people have smiles and laughter that come easily.

Those people are full of hope.

Those people don't yet know the loss of a child.

I miss those people.

Five good things

It's been a while. But even so, finding just five good things isn't always easy.


Ray feeling better after nearly two weeks worth of his worst ever Meniere's attack. Vertigo that made him fall over, tinnitus, deafness in one ear and nausea. My poor Poppet has been through the wringer and is exhausted. But it's almost over now.

A beautiful blue sky yesterday after a grey and rainy week and a nice walk by the sea without Ray falling over.

A jewellery project that turned out better than I thought it would.

My Mum's pleasure at telling me that my Dad remembered how to play his keyboard, and they both enjoyed a sing-a-long.

Camellia buds growing and promising colour.



What good things found you last week?

Freedom

We buy white toilet tissue. I insist upon it actually.

You know what I'm talking about don't you? Pink, blue, cream or green toilet rolls are utterly useless for the purpose of obsessing about your bodily secretions (please, for the love of all things hormonal tell me you know what I'm on about!)

We  I picked up cream paper by mistake. I only realised it as our items were being scanned. Hmm. Do I grab the toilet tissue, make a dash for it and switch it? Do I admit my obsession to Ray? Of course he doesn't know, why on earth would I tell him that? He copes well enough with me dipping ovulation sticks in pee but I think that some things really should remain unknown in a relationship.

I didn't change it; I stood in line trying to calculate how long 12 rolls would last and then realised that I was indeed barking mad and needed to  s t o p.

So I find myself free from the toilet tissue checking. I've also decided to hide the white knickers at the back of the drawer too and only wear purple, pink, blue and black. (Why do I have no orange knickers?)

I need another obsession, at least until we go to the supermarket again.




ps, this does not mean I am pregnant, I don't think I will ever joke about knicker checking in pregnancy again.

2011

Thank you for your companionship throughout 2010.


Thank you for being on my side.


Thank you for your cheering me on

And holding me up. 

♡

Thank you for your joy at our pregnancy,

And your sympathy for the loss of our Little Poppet.

♡ 

Thank you for remembering George with me.

♡

I wish you a peaceful, joyful and fulfilling 2011.

I hope that all of your wishes come true

And none of your fears are realised.

♡

But most of all


I wish you L♥VE.

♡♡♡