I feel as if we should have taken up where we left off. That I should have miraculously discovered that I was 21 weeks pregnant and only have another 19 weeks to go. That it would be only right and just. Yeah right.
The thought that I have yet to shake and really need to shake is that this Little Poppet will leave us at exactly 20 weeks and 5 days. And probably at 11:05. At the moment I can't imagine bringing this one home alive.
And yet I find myself wandering off on an internet tangent of finding the best cloth nappies or nice easy sewing patterns for baby clothes.
While shopping for my Mum's birthday we skirted close to the nursery section.
"I want to be able to shop there".
"It's too soon Poppet and we need to save some money first."
"Yes but I want it to be ok to shop..."
I need to get a hold of this tenuous thread of hope and hang on to it. I'm trying to avoid adding "if" to every thought.
I'm still waiting for my ultrasound appointment (NHS oftentimes = grrrrr) and I plan on hassling Dr Compassion tomorrow, and then the midwives...
I have to get some maternity bras. I now have only one comfy bra left and it's underwired. The only item of maternity clothing I bought last time was a pair of trousers off ebay that were miles too big. I think buying bras will be another act of hope.
The bumpy country roads around here make my boobs huuuurt! My Poppet is trying to drive more gently to save my boobs. Uh huh, yup, wheel spins in the gravelly car park just for the fun of it?
We keep talking about "last time" as in; I hardly had any nausea last time. I feel more optimistic that symptoms are different from last time.
Oh yes, and the spotting stopped just after my last post.
I think I'll get a ticker after my ultrasound.
233 days to go.