Little Poppet is lost

At the scan today there was no heartbeat.

Little Poppet measured about 8 weeks.

We are destroyed.

Birthday Boy

It was Ray's birthday today so we decided to "be on holiday" for the afternoon.

We paddled in the sea, splashed about, sat on the sand, walked barefoot until the sand fell from our feet and finished the afternoon eating chips* from paper on a bench with the "other" tourists.

Perfect.

*what do you mean "that's not good nutrition for a pregnant woman?".

9w1d

Oops almost a week since I posted.

Don't worry, I'm still pregnant, as far as I know. (I'll stop qualifying once I have a scan).

Still dealing with nausea and enough gas to power a small town. I AM the burping queen.

3 days till our scan.

Phenomenon

We decided to go to the beach and put our feet in the sea today and on the way we saw a strange phenomenon. A long and wispy cloud with a rainbow contained in it. A rainbow? In the summer? I took pictures with my phone as we drove along in the car, a little blurry but can you see it? Have you ever seen one? The colours were much brighter than they appear in the photos.

I wondered at the crowds of holidaymakers not watching? I wonder at those who don't notice the tiny moments of beauty around them. Something like this? It could be a once and only chance to see.

To my Father and to the Father of my children

I love you.

Always and ever forever.

To my Dad,
I see you leaving us slowly, memory by memory, please hang on. You still have a job to do as Granddad.

To my Poppet,
I see your excitement, even though you try to be cautious, you've told everyone you know that "we're pregnant". You are a great Dad and I wish your own Dad was here today to see that.

Seven weeks four days*

Day long nausea.
The ginger tea isn't doing it any more, I don't feel sick when I eat but sadly constant eating isn't an option. Ice lollies work for a while and I'm now trying ginger snaps and acupressure points.

Any other suggestions?

I didn't get nauseous last time; instead I had vicious trapped wind (of the kind that makes you wonder if it's your heart) of an evening that made me burp so much that I would vomit. I'm hoping that particular symptom does NOT return.

Bad taste in mouth.
Ick, drinking lots and lots and lots of water... still ick... need to pee.


Yawning champion
There was a lovely Spanish lady who volunteered at the charity shop and had the most musical yawns I'd ever heard. I could show her a thing or two now.

Lazy bed staying
11am yesterday morning, yikes, and only because we needed to get some groceries.

Fruitless knicker/toilet paper checking
Looooooong may it continue. Not the fearful checking every time I feel a bit damper than usual; I'd quite like to lose that compulsion.

"Don't touch the boobs!"
[cat strolls across my chest in bed and begins pounding on my shoulder...] No really, they hurt... getoffff!


And seriously, isn't it all absolutely marvellous!


I keep reminding myself that I'm pregnant, can you believe it? Me?





*Until the ultrasound in 14 days which tells me that my own calculations are all wrong...

Nesting

Ray decided to take the ceiling down in the back room/George's never room/Little Poppet's room to be, the bathroom and the little hallway... We need new insulation and soundproofing.

 I wasn't allowed in, the dust you see. So I made tea and sandwiches.

Little Poppet will have a small room but with a nice view of the garden.

It feels good to be doing watching Ray do something to make a place for a new life. We never got around to it for George. We thought we had time. We'll decorate in neutrals and I can add my own paintings to babyfy the room later. I have lots of unused small canvases. I will just have to decide on designs.

Our living room had similar, although less violent, treatment a couple of weeks ago... carpet! We got carpet instead of the attractive but cooooold varnished floorboards.

From this sickly peachy colour.

To delicious iced coffee and chocolate (wallpaper on just one wall)

It's great having a painter in the family and a landlord very willing to put his hands in his pockets!

PS I got the ticker on my blog. I couldn't wait until after the ultrasound. (18 days and counting...) Our Little Poppet deserves to be celebrated.

Scan?

I phoned the hospital to book my 12 week scan and ask about an earlier one and why I haven't had an appointment through with the consultant yet.

"Oh, you should have had a letter... Ms P wants to see you at 8 weeks... [tap tap tap... takes details... tap tap tap] ah, she's away then, she's back on 30th June? How's 11.30?

I could have gone with another consultant but Ms P is The Big Cheese in the maternity department and knows my history (and my ladyparts) intimately.

But but but... I'll be 9 1/2 weeks. I've got to wait another 19 days!

I would have so liked an earlier scan just for a sneaky peek but as long as there's no bleeding like last time I suppose it won't make much difference.

I'm tempted to manufacture some reason to scan now but that just feels as if I'd be tempting fate so I will wait not so patiently.

Thoughts, hopes and fears

I feel as if we should have taken up where we left off. That I should have miraculously discovered that I was 21 weeks pregnant and only have another 19 weeks to go. That it would be only right and just. Yeah right.

The thought that I have yet to shake and really need to shake is that this Little Poppet will leave us at exactly 20 weeks and 5 days. And probably at 11:05. At the moment I can't imagine bringing this one home alive.

And yet I find myself wandering off on an internet tangent of finding the best cloth nappies or nice easy sewing patterns for baby clothes.

While shopping for my Mum's birthday we skirted close to the nursery section.
"I want to be able to shop there".
"It's too soon Poppet and we need to save some money first."
"Yes but I want it to be ok to shop..."

I need to get a hold of this tenuous thread of hope and hang on to it. I'm trying to avoid adding "if" to every thought.

I'm still waiting for my ultrasound appointment (NHS oftentimes = grrrrr) and I plan on hassling Dr Compassion tomorrow, and then the midwives...

I have to get some maternity bras. I now have only one comfy bra left and it's underwired. The only item of maternity clothing I bought last time was a pair of trousers off ebay that were miles too big. I think buying bras will be another act of hope.

The bumpy country roads around here make my boobs huuuurt! My Poppet is trying to drive more gently to save my boobs. Uh huh, yup, wheel spins in the gravelly car park just for the fun of it?

We keep talking about "last time" as in; I hardly had any nausea last time. I feel more optimistic that symptoms are different from last time.

Oh yes, and the spotting stopped just after my last post.

I think I'll get a ticker after my ultrasound.

233 days to go.

More good news

The lovely WiseGuy over at Woman Anyone? has just had a positive pregnancy test.

Please pop over and help her believe it.

Only 238 days to go.

I'm still pregnant, as far as I know.

I'm still feeling nausea much of the time but I've yet to throw up. Home made ginger tea is gooood.

My boobs are still reeeeeally sore and I wake myself up by rolling on them in my sleep. That's when I'm not waking up to relieve my bladder. Good signs.

I have been spotting off and on since I last posted. Light pink immediately after a poo and very light brown at other random times. None of it reaching my knickers (I'm now a toilet paper checking fool). The midwife isn't worried. The doctor isn't worried. I vary between panic, hope and fatalism. It isn't the same as the bleeding I had with George so I have to concentrate on the hopeful don't I?

I'm on self-imposed lazy sofa rest. I could get used to this.

Hopefully I will get an ultrasound sometime this coming week.

We told my parents on Wednesday. It feels as if each time we tell it's an act of almost defiant optimism.

Hey, I'm pregnant!

Should I get one of those ticker thingies?

Whoop?

Reassurance

I met my midwife today.

She came on duty the evening after we lost George and brought him back in to visit with Rays mum and me. "That's your son". She visited us at home a week later and was so sweet. The same evening I was rushed to hospital haemorrhaging.

"Would you prefer to see someone else? I understand if it brings back bad memories."

Noooooooooo!

It was lovely to see someone who remembered our son. Someone who remembered his name and used it lots. Someone who lifted him in her arms and placed him in my arms. Someone who saw his sweet little face. Someone who knew the enormity of our loss.

She hugged me and passed tissues, we filled in forms and chatted, and she wasn't the slightest bit worried about the spotting on Saturday (there's been no more). I explained that I intend to be a neurotic pest and she agreed on the plan and offered home visits whenever I need them a bit later on (hooray!). She is also going to poke the consultant and Early Pregnancy Unit about getting an early ultrasound (whoop!).

I feel so much better today and I'm enjoying it.

I'm even enjoying the sore boobs and the nausea.

One day at a time.

Quite a few to go.