Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Season of sadness

Little Poppet was due at the end of January. I should have a big round belly today and I can't even imagine what that would be like; I have a flabby empty belly instead.

If George had been born around his due date in March 2009 we would have been enjoying our second Christmas with him. He would have been 21 months old. I can't even imagine what he would look like today. I can't even imagine how noisy our quiet house would be.

I try not to do this to myself too often. I try not to calculate and measure the time we have lost and wonder too much but I've just put out some fairly lights with a heavy heart and very little enthusiasm.

And while Ray has popped out I sit here with a cup of tea, two kittehs draped on my lap and tears in my eyes for what might have been... for who might have been. Our 2nd Christmas without George and our 1st without the hope that Little Poppet brought and I wish... I'm so tired of wishing things were different.

We're going to eat Christmas lunch with my parents and my brother again this year because it pleases my Mum who exhausts herself making things nice and I can't help but feel as if I have deprived her and my Dad of the joys of even more exhausting grandchildren. She has a hard time with my Dad some days and what a difference it would make for her to have a tiny tot to spoil.

Fortunately, these sad thoughts don't hang around quite as long as they used to but when they bite, they tend to hold on a chew for a while.


9 comments:

  1. Sending love and hugs. And wishing it was different for you. xx

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  2. It seems you and I are riding the same sad wavelength today. The dangerous one on which you imagine what things would have been like.

    I'm hoping that these sad thoughts loosen a bit for you quickly.

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  3. Trying so hard not to have these thoughts myself, but they're always there, somewhere in the shadows. I so understand where your heart is. Sending thoughts your way xo

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  4. Always and forever there will be these times when you can't help but calculate the time, think of what you're missing. It will always happen, and I think it's an important part of the grief process... everlasting as it is.

    I hope you have lovely holiday plans.

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  5. ooooh, what could have been - I try not to dwell too, but I am pretty sure it would have been wonderful :(

    It seems to happen more this time of year...

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  6. "I can't help but feel as if I have deprived her and my Dad of the joys of even more exhausting grandchildren. She has a hard time with my Dad some days and what a difference it would make for her to have a tiny tot to spoil."

    Yes- this exactly. I understand all too well.

    Thinking of you, Barbara.

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  7. Tis the season.. thinking of you, Ray, your George and your Little Poppet and for all that should have been for all of us xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  8. my little poppet was due at the same time. He would have arrived by now. I don't think we ever look at holiday seasons the same once we have lost children.
    Peace and love to you xxx

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