Little Poppet was due at the end of January. I should have a big round belly today and I can't even imagine what that would be like; I have a flabby empty belly instead.
If George had been born around his due date in March 2009 we would have been enjoying our second Christmas with him. He would have been 21 months old. I can't even imagine what he would look like today. I can't even imagine how noisy our quiet house would be.
I try not to do this to myself too often. I try not to calculate and measure the time we have lost and wonder too much but I've just put out some fairly lights with a heavy heart and very little enthusiasm.
And while Ray has popped out I sit here with a cup of tea, two kittehs draped on my lap and tears in my eyes for what might have been... for who might have been. Our 2nd Christmas without George and our 1st without the hope that Little Poppet brought and I wish... I'm so tired of wishing things were different.
We're going to eat Christmas lunch with my parents and my brother again this year because it pleases my Mum who exhausts herself making things nice and I can't help but feel as if I have deprived her and my Dad of the joys of even more exhausting grandchildren. She has a hard time with my Dad some days and what a difference it would make for her to have a tiny tot to spoil.
Fortunately, these sad thoughts don't hang around quite as long as they used to but when they bite, they tend to hold on a chew for a while.