Thursday, 14 October 2010

Fatigue

I'm tired of wishing that the last two years hadn't happened.

Of course I couldn't wish the last two years away because they are years with Ray.

I'm tired of the contradiction.

I'm weary of impossibly wishing for George and Little Poppet and a bit more youth. The wishing takes so much energy and I don't have that much to spare.

This impossible wishing catches in my throat and unleashes a horridly panicky feeling through my chest and stomach. It's over. They are gone.

In six days it will be two years. How impossible is that?


Do I sound miserable?

I'm not.

Not really.

Well maybe a little bit.

Sometimes.

Misery is downright obstructive at the worst of times and bothersome at the best. So I put on my happy face and go about as if everything is normal and force the pretence into reality. Sort of.

I'm not sure there is such a thing as normal anyway.

I'm ok. I can still laugh. I can still get excited.

I just really really really miss the life we should have been living. And I'm still having a hard time getting used to the one we've been handed.

And every so often the fa├žade slips and I'm in trouble if I'm not close to a source of tissues or a sleeve.



6 comments:

  1. i understand. at least a little.

    I just really really really miss the life we should have been living. And I'm still having a hard time getting used to the one we've been handed.

    exactly. and you shouldn't have to try.

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  2. Me, too, sweetie. Every word.

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  3. Holding you close. I wish there was more I could say.
    Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. missing George and little Poppet with you...

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  5. oh sister, i hear you. it is tiring and so unfair. i understanding wanting the re-wind, wanting some youth back. i feel that way too - yet i'd never undo my two years with brian or my love for my daughter. it is a freakin' head trip. i'm thinking of you and your little ones daily. xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. Missing them with you, Barbara and sending much love. xoxo

    ReplyDelete

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