Of course I couldn't wish the last two years away because they are years with Ray.
I'm tired of the contradiction.
I'm weary of impossibly wishing for George and Little Poppet and a bit more youth. The wishing takes so much energy and I don't have that much to spare.
This impossible wishing catches in my throat and unleashes a horridly panicky feeling through my chest and stomach. It's over. They are gone.
In six days it will be two years. How impossible is that?
Do I sound miserable?
I'm not.
Not really.
Well maybe a little bit.
Sometimes.
Misery is downright obstructive at the worst of times and bothersome at the best. So I put on my happy face and go about as if everything is normal and force the pretence into reality. Sort of.
I'm not sure there is such a thing as normal anyway.
I'm ok. I can still laugh. I can still get excited.
I just really really really miss the life we should have been living. And I'm still having a hard time getting used to the one we've been handed.
And every so often the façade slips and I'm in trouble if I'm not close to a source of tissues or a sleeve.
i understand. at least a little.
ReplyDeleteI just really really really miss the life we should have been living. And I'm still having a hard time getting used to the one we've been handed.
exactly. and you shouldn't have to try.
Me, too, sweetie. Every word.
ReplyDeleteHolding you close. I wish there was more I could say.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
missing George and little Poppet with you...
ReplyDeleteoh sister, i hear you. it is tiring and so unfair. i understanding wanting the re-wind, wanting some youth back. i feel that way too - yet i'd never undo my two years with brian or my love for my daughter. it is a freakin' head trip. i'm thinking of you and your little ones daily. xo
ReplyDeleteMissing them with you, Barbara and sending much love. xoxo
ReplyDelete