I've been busy.

Busy is good sometimes.

A big order (there should be twelve... must find the other)

That's my new bench made by me and Ray. 

It sits on top of our kitchen table. 

And the kitteh sits on top of that. 

He likes to "help".

By sitting on my work and keeping it warm.

Or head-butting me to keep me awake.

I think he thinks he's tanning.

And just because Jenni asked.

My opal ring the first time round.

And re-set.

And with another little rainbow moonstone ring I made. One for George and one for Little Poppet.

They sit quite nicely together but I'd really really really really really like to make just one more...

(and yes, that is a kitteh scratch of affecshun.)

A Mother's Heart

Michelle wrote some very nice things about me *blush*

A Mother's Heart

I'm just really really glad that she loves the piece of jewellery I made for her.

Five good things

Finally getting paid for the order of 11 tags: with just enough time for me to make them.

Resetting my opal ring and making it look nicer rather than ruining it.

Taking kitteh Lyx to the vet and the vet saying we don't need to spend £150 to get her teeth cleaned and scraped... yet.

Michelle's happiness at her custom pendant.

Ray's hold-me-tighter hugs.



Please join in: What good things found you this week?

I miss you by moonlight

Do you think they are out there?

Together?

I do.

I think I do.

I think I like the idea of them being together having big adventures.

I hope they are.

They don't even have to visit, although it would be nice.

I just really hope they are.

Five good things

Uh oh it's Monday, shouldn't I have done something yesterday? Ok it's official, I am useless at setting deadlines for myself.


Ray's Meniere's attack not being too bad this time. (If it even IS Menier's. Testing, testing).

Calming a lady's nerves while she was waiting for an MRI while I was waiting for Ray to come out of his MRI (see above).

GÜ chocolate pudding. Aaaahhhhmmmmm.

Making a necklace for a babylost mum.

Spending Sunday in the garden with Ray enjoying building a bigger, better jewellers bench together.



Please join in: What good things found you last week?

Tears

We've been watching a TV series called Marchlands. It sounded promising. A ghost story set in the same house during three different decades. The ghost is a little girl who drowned in the 60's.

It was hard to watch the agonising knotted grief of a couple who couldn't talk about the death of their daughter and who lived in a time when you were absolutely expected to put it behind you and move on.

Oh but then there's the modern day couple who are pregnant and then give birth to a healthy girl.

And it just got tougher and tougher to watch for both of us.

But you know, it was well written and quite intriguing so we tried one more.

Oh but then there's the character who's son lived for only 37 hours in the 80's.

And then I found myself crying.

Not for the loss of the son. No.

For the fact that a fictional person got to spend 37 hours with her fictional living son and I got nothing.

And if I'd had 37 hours with George wouldn't I be jealous of the next woman who had 38 hours? A week? 10 years?

Such an irrational envy.

I don't think we will be able to finish the series.

We've been watching a TV series called Marchlands. It sounded promising. A ghost story set in the same house during three different decades. The ghost is a little girl who drowned in the 60's.

It was hard to watch the agonising knotted grief of a couple who couldn't talk about the death of their daughter and who lived in a time when you were absolutely expected to put it behind you and move on.

Oh but then there's the modern day couple who are pregnant and then give birth to a healthy girl.

And it just got tougher and tougher to watch for both of us.

But you know, it was well written and quite intriguing so we tried one more.

Oh but then there's the character who's son lived for only 37 hours in the 80's.

And then I found myself crying.

Not for the loss of the son. No.

For the fact that a fictional person got to spend 37 hours with her fictional living son and I got nothing.

And if I'd had 37 hours with George wouldn't I be jealous of the next woman who had 38 hours? A week? 10 years?

Such an irrational envy.

I don't think we will be able to finish the series.

Dear Hormones

Thank you for calming the f@ck down and getting back into line.

Jenni's comment on my gloomy post made me stop. And blink. Of course, my hormones went screwy last year in early March. Around George's due date. Mean.

If sore boobs for 5 weeks wasn't bad enough, two periods in one month just was not funny you know. Not even a little bit.

But we'll move past that shall we and I'll promise to stop holding a grudge if you promise to keep to the straight and narrow. Mmmkay?

Good. Now that's all sorted out, if it's not too much trouble, could you do me just one teeny itsy tiny weeny little favour..........hmmm??

Five good things

Late again... you know it reminds me, I always often sometimes got into trouble at school for handing in my homework late. And I set myself this task so I'm not quite sure who I'm rebelling against now!

Anyhoo, 5 good things from the last week.
 

An order for 13 tiny tags that will keep me busy for a while and put a few pennies in the bank.

My new blow torch; hotter, smaller and yes, I am a tool geek.

My Dad remembering and talking about his brother and sister.

A calm-but-firm phone call followed by a refund and the satisfaction of a well written email complaint. Ha! Bad customer service people, take that! Pffftttt!

The promise of a takeaway from our favourite Indian restaurant.



Please join in; what good things found you last week?

Five good things

Oops, a bit late on this one.


Final polishing on a custom order this morning.

A sweetly singing robin waiting patiently while I put out scraps.

Cheering my Mum up after a difficult day.

A posh new blow torch soooooon.

A festival of junk food in our living room. *brrp*


Please join in. What good things found you last week?

Five not very good things

What follows is the worst of the worst.

Grief and depression slip hand in hand, sneak up from behind and with a shove, push you over the edge.

This is not how it is most of the time. 

I just want you to know that.
You don't have to worry. I am just putting it into words I suppose as an exercise in self awareness.
The light will be turned on again tomorrow.

But sometimes...


1. THE WORRY.

Ray is out visiting his friend, it's after midnight, don't send a text, don't call, don't make him feel bad for going out, he'll be home soon. Our neighbours back door is open while the landlord was airing the house (empty). First Sketch and then Lyx wander inside. Oh, what if the front door is open and they run into the street in front of a car or he locks them in and doesn't come back for days and they starve. They come to my call, I take them in. and shut the door.

2. THE PANIC.

Time has run out and my ovaries are withered little shrivelled grapes. We are going to live the rest of our lives as childless bereaved parents. Not in any way child free.

3. THE FEAR

I wake early and he isn't moving. He's too still. I watch. His chest moves and I breathe out. There is a phone call at an odd hour. It is my mother with bad news. Oh, it's Ray's friend asking a favour. We're driving along a narrow lane and a car whizzes around a corner too fast, it hits us head on and we become a mangled heap of metal and soft tissue in the... it passed us easily within the next breath.

4. THE ANXIETY

Thoughts jumble and tumble over each other, none of them coherent. It's too crowded, It's too loud, I can't concentrate, I can't breathe, I can't remember, I cant move.

5. THE DEEPEST DARK.

I am useless and everything is pointless. If I wasn't so broken my children would be here. 





RIGHT NOW

I'm snuggled cosily on the sofa with a Poppet and a warm kitteh (the other is out hunting mice, leaves and clumps of grass), an order form for jewellers supplies (almost as much fun as the making), thoughts of dinner (a bit early but I'm already hungry), a small weight off my mind (in the shape of this post) and a nice cup of tea (made for me with love).

Gloomy wednesday

Oh goodness I feel gloomy right now.

I should be pleased that my hitherto haywire hormones have slotted back into a 27 day cycle but I'm not getting it. I even thought of writing them a "thank you" note, but on reflection, I really don't feel all that grateful.

What I do feel is royally pissed off that I got to experience what I mistook for implantation cramps and spotting just exactly like I had with Little P a week before bleeding started. Not. Playing. Fair.

Hmph.

Where's the sodding codeine*.






*for cramp relief not gloom relief